Stop Crying Your Heart Out
by karmakaze
Summary: I don't own Degrassi. Manny feels guilty about her abortion, and Ellie tries to cope with her mixed feelings for guys. Chapter thirteen is up!
1. Threatened

Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Chapter One

With a nervous sigh, I placed the silver blade close to my skin. It was midday, and from what I could tell, I was the only one here. I had taken a restroom pass from Algebra to get here, knowing that very few people came here at this time of day. Leaning over the sink, I tried to figure out what I was most afraid of. Did I honestly think that someone would catch me in the act? And if they did catch me, would they even care? No.

I had done this a million times, and I knew that eventually I would have to stop. I was running out of invisible places to cut. I was running out of everything…running out of love, hope, and even fear. Right now, I had to be ashamed of myself, afraid of my actions, and in love with Sean. If I kept telling myself that I loved him, and that I sincerely cared about my own life, then maybe I could make it true. If I kept lying, maybe I could make myself real…at least to myself.

The bathroom door swung open, and I quickly tossed my compass back into my tassel. At least this time I had a solid excuse not to cut without being ashamed of my weakness. If I had continued for a moment longer, Manny would have caught me.

It was so strange, watching her. We went to the same school, and had often had classes together, but I always felt like she was from a different world. Maybe it was my virginity that separated us…or perhaps the fact that she had an abortion. But I knew there was a deeper feeling behind our separation, something that none of Paige's rumors or society's ideas could define. I had my own reasons to feel guilty, and the last thing I wanted was to judge Manny Santos for hers. To me, she was the shell of a beautiful person. Even if she was gone inside, there was still the faded beauty that would make people want her. And I hadn't even kept that for myself.

"What are you doing?" Manny demanded, tossing her silky brown hair behind her as she approached the mirror. When I watched her lean forward to fix her mascara, her every move reinforced my opinion of her. She was like a shadow of a person who didn't quite exist. She had the beauty of a shattered vase. The shards were beautiful in their own way, but they would never bear any resemblance to the original object that time and hatred would ruin.

"Nothing," I sighed, pulling my tassel over my shoulder. "I was just leaving."

Her chocolate eyes met mine as I made my way for the door. "I don't believe it," she whispered. "You're the one with the cutting problem, aren't you?"

Looking back at the school tramp, I couldn't help but feel angry. It was pathetic, the two most pitied kids at Degrassi discussing how _I _was screwed up. But then…I didn't pity her, or anyone else. To me, she was Manny. And even if she didn't know me, I knew more about her than she realized. "So, what?" I demanded. "Just because I had some kind of problem means that I don't have permission to use the bathroom anymore?"

Awkwardly, Manny pulled a pencil that had lost its eraser from her purse, and began to scratch her skin. "All I'm saying is, I won't tell if you won't."

I couldn't believe that she was doing this. It made me feel like such a hypocrite to be angry with someone else for cutting, while I did the same thing myself. But somehow I found myself fully absorbed in watching her, as if nothing else mattered. Just to see the _little girl_ who tried so hard to grow up standing there, tearing herself apart. "Manny, I know I can't talk, but please stop. Once you start, you'll never get out of it."

Lifting her sleeves, Manny revealed a series of scars more severe than my own. "It's how I keep myself pure. If I give out, I give my secret away with it. It's how I can make sure it never happens again."

My brow furrowed as she spoke. Why was Manny telling me this? Probably because I stood at the lowest rung of the social ladder, and I had no friends to tell about her, even if I wanted to. But my curiosity got the best of me. "Why are you telling me this?" I asked her.

I realized, of course, that Manny wasn't paying attention to me, only to her pain. Watching her cut into her gorgeous skin made me want to scream. I wanted to tear the pencil from her manicured hands and snap it in half, so she would never hurt again. I wanted to tell her to stop, that she was worth more than that. And I wanted to tell her that, from afar, someone cared more than she knew. But I couldn't do any of those things. How could I help her, when I couldn't even help myself?

Her quiet whisper beckoned me away from the door. "Ellie. Do _you _hate me like everyone else does?"

Slowly, I blinked. Where had that come from? I could think of many words, but hatred was not among them. "Why would I hate you?"

"Never mind," she huffed. "But if you tell them about me, then I can just as easily tell about you…that you haven't exactly stopped like you said you would."

I was taken aback. "Is that a threat?"

Manny's eyes became serious. "It is."


	2. Rushed

Chapter Two 

A/N: Just a warning. In case you didn't read the description, there is slash in this story, and this chapter will set it up. So please don't flame me for that. Thanks to any and all reviewers!

"Hey!"

A chirpy masculine voice called from behind me. Such a greeting, of course, required me to turn around and figure out whatever the Hell Sean was so thrilled about. Maybe he had come to collect his afternoon kiss that seemed to be a necessity for me, as his girlfriend, to give him. Or maybe he was inviting me to some lame get together with the gangsters. Either way, I could care less.

But, as usual, my conscience got the best of me, causing me to quickly turn around and greet him. "Hey," I said lamely. "I'm goanna be late for class."

Sean knew as well as I did that if I honestly cared about being on time, there was probably something seriously wrong with me. But I didn't care. After having spoken with Manny…and felt the way I did in her presence, I just wanted to go home, and sleep for a million years. "No you won't," Sean argued. "Simpson's room is right down there. We've got time, I swear."

Time for _what_, I wondered, as he slid his arm around my waist. When your boyfriend held you, you were supposed to feel loved and appreciated. But for a long time, I had known that there was something wrong with me. Sean's hugs and kisses felt more like rites of ownership than actual symbols of affection. I was such a damn mess.

After what seemed like an eternity, Sean's question came out. "Are you coming tonight?"

Inwardly, I rolled my eyes at the question. "Coming to _what_?" I asked flatly. I was seriously getting sick of his parties where I was treated like the scum of the Earth simply because it was me, and not Amy that he had his arm around.

"Alex's parents are out of town," he announced cheerfully, as we started to walk. "She's inviting a whole bunch of people." When he noticed that I didn't seem pleased, he quickly added, "Come on, it'll be great. Besides, there'll be so many people there, you'll hardly even notice my friends."

"Fine, whatever," I sighed, realizing that the alternative was spending the night trying to wake my mother up from her drinking binge. "I'll come. See you later."

I didn't know what it was about Sean that repulsed me so much. He was a good-looking guy, in my opinion. He bended rules, and, as Ashley said, he was good for _me_. Sean was basically everything that a boyfriend was supposed to be. Phone calls every day, kisses in the hall, someone excited to see you after school, you get the picture. But…somehow he wasn't enough for me. I felt like a horrible, selfish bitch for even thinking like that. But ever since Marco had come out as gay…I had felt like there was more out there than bases and "major make out sessions." But of course, there was no way I could ever admit that. Or that there was more to my cutting problem than my dad being in Iraq. Basically, I was just a screwed up bitch. And war or no war, I would always be that. Less than what everyone wanted me to be. I couldn't be popular for Ashley, a boy for Marco, or a well-adjusted daughter for my parents. I would always be the problem, the outcast, and the misfit.

As usual, my mother was sprawled out on the couch, with a loose grip on an empty bottle when I came home. My situation might have shocked some people, but I was quite used to it by now. In fact, I was so used to it that I didn't even bother to wake her up. Instead, I just slumped my bag down in my room, and picked up the phone to call Sean.

"Hey…Ellie?" he asked.

"Yeah, it's me," I said lamely, plopping myself down onto my bed.

"Party starts at six," he told me. "But I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come over for a while…maybe we could…"

I nodded, but remembered that Sean couldn't see me through the phone. "Yeah, I'll be right over," I sighed.

"Okay, cool," he said.

"See ya," I murmured. Without waiting for a response, I turned the phone off and set it back on its charger.

I assumed he just wanted to watch T.V. and possibly make out. In all honesty, I had stopped caring what happened when I was with him. Maybe he would kiss me, maybe I would like it, and maybe I wouldn't. But it wasn't anything I wasn't used to.

But when he greeted me at the door to his house, if you could call it that, he hardly seemed happy to see me. And, being the good girlfriend I was supposed to be, I asked him what was wrong.  
"The reason I asked you to come early is because you've seemed kind of…not yourself lately. Do you want to talk?" he asked, his voice dripping with concern. "Come on, sit down," he continued, motioning toward his couch.

Obligingly, I followed him into his living room, where he quickly put some books back on his shelf. As usual, Sean had forgotten to clean up before I got here. "You finally noticed something was the matter," I said sarcastically. I had only been cutting for…longer than we had been going out?

"So, are you going to tell me what's up, or do I have to guess?" he asked me. "Look, Elle, I like you a lot, but I'm getting tired of this. It's like…I never know what's up with you. One minute we're like…this perfect working couple, and the next minute you won't talk to me. And I'm your boyfriend, Elle. You can tell me stuff, alright?"

Dammit. Sean had managed to strip me defenseless, so my only options were to lie and claim that everything was fine, or to break up with him. "It's just this whole thing with my dad," I sighed, putting on a convincing front. "My mom's still just wasting her life on the couch with empty bottles of booze and people keep giving me shit about my problem. But it's nothing you did. So don't worry."

"Are you sure?" Sean asked. "Because I want you to be honest with me."

When we talked like this, I remembered what attracted me to him. He _did_ try to understand me, as much as I didn't want to believe it. And everyone thought we were good together…and I had to admit that we were. For the rest of the time we spent together, before the party, I tried to convince myself that it was just my self-induced pessimism getting in the way, when I really could be happy. I supposed that this guy really cared about me, and that I could stand to at least put up a front at this party we were going to.

"Oh, look who decided to show up," Alex sneered, with Amy close by.

"I'm surprised you can be out this early," Amy commented. "You're not going to suck out my blood are you?"

Rather than commenting, I just walked away. I was sick of their shit and I definitely didn't feel like putting up with it tonight. This was one of the few nights I had, where I felt even remotely like a normal teenaged girl. And I wasn't about to let a jealous ex ruin that.

Shifting my attention from Sean's obnoxious friends, I noticed that Alex had rounded up a much larger crowd than I had expected. It seemed as if everyone who was allowed to be at a parentless party was here. I briefly saw Ash talking to Paige, but she didn't say hello. Or if she did, I just didn't notice. And, within fifteen minutes, everyone I could rely on for conversation seemed to have found someone else to talk to. Meaning that I, as usual, had been left to my own devices.

It was okay, I told myself. All I had to do was find Sean and I could get out of here. But it seemed as if I had searched every room on the downstairs level without any luck. Meaning that the only rooms I hadn't checked were upstairs.

As I walked down the upstairs hallway, I heard a female's voice call my name.

Turning, I noticed that Manny was sitting alone in an upstairs bedroom, with the door opened. "Manny?" I called. Last time I checked, she wasn't one of my close friends. She had practically threatened me earlier…and now she wanted to talk to me? I knew that I should have ignored her…but my damn curiosity got the best of me. "What are you doing in there?" I asked her, walking into the pale blue room and shutting the door behind me.

Manny clumsily pulled herself into a sitting position on the queen-sized bed. "Hi Ellie. You know, I was hoping you'd be here," she said, with an unnatural giggle. "It's like…we live in the same world…only not. You get what I'm saying?"

The girl was drunk. I would know the far away look in her eyes, the dizzy movement of her body, and the sleepily ecstatic facial expression all too well after having seen them so many times from my mother. "You should get home," I sternly advised her. "I'm sure someone around here could drive you." I had no idea what made me feel obligated to help her, but it seemed like the right thing to do.

"Talk to me, Ellie," she sighed. "No one ever talks to me anymore. It's like they all forgot that we were even friends."

I swallowed hard as I approached the bed, to sit beside her. Nothing made me more nervous than drunks, despite the fact that I had lived with one for most of my life. That was probably why I was so willing to help her. Because I was codependent. Reliable to everyone but myself. "I…I'm sorry," I murmured. "No one talks to me either," I stated, trying to make conversation without seeming awkward.

"Do you like Sean?" she asked me.

I was shocked at the personal nature of the question. "He's my boyfriend," I gasped. "Of course I like him!" But as I spoke those loyal words, I had a sinking feeling that I was only trying to convince myself.

"I'm tired of being the school slut," Manny admitted. It wasn't her words that scared me. It was the dizzily eager expression in her eyes, as if she was up to something that no one like me would want to be a part of. That feeling compelled me to get up and leave.

"I'll go get Sean," I murmured. "We'll take you home."

"Why don't you like me?" she asked dreamily. "Do you think I'm a slut?" she persisted, loosely leaning forward on the bed.

I turned around. "I don't use that word," I told her. "We've all made our mistakes." Even if Manny's mistakes were more serious than any of mine.

"It's so weird how…everyone used to be nice to me, and as soon as I had the chance to screw up they all just acted like I was worthless. Like I wasn't the same person as before," she continued. Noticing my facial expression, she added, "You get that, don't you?"

I nodded tensely. "Look…I really should…"

"I have a ride," Manny insisted. "J.T.'s got some friends who'll drive me home. Trust me, I'll be fine."

The awkwardness of the situation made me want to scream. It was bad enough that I was up here with a drunk…but worse that she wanted me here. And for some odd reason, I was putting up no resistance. But I figured it was okay. I would just keep an eye on her for a few more minutes, and then J.T.'s friend would take her home. I had no idea how I could have been so stupid. But either way, I returned to the spot where I had been sitting on the bed. "Oh…right," I sighed. "You're with J.T. now." Don't ask me why I cared, but I did.

"I don't know if I can be with him," Manny admitted. "Or anyone after Craig."

My expression was borderline confused. "What are you talking about? There are lots of guys at Degrassi who…"

"Who see me as a living sex toy," Manny sighed angrily, hitting one of the numerous pillows. "Even if J.T. never touches me…he can still do that to me. He could still get me pregnant again…and I couldn't bear to get another abortion…but I don't think I could have the kid…but that's _all _they want Ellie. You are _so _lucky your boyfriend was gay."

Clearly she was going overboard. There was nothing lucky about your boyfriend turning out gay. She had no idea what I wouldn't do for him to be straight, and for him to want me again. And here she was, drunk, and spilling her guts out to a complete stranger, and telling me she wanted my gay boyfriend. "Come on," I smiled. "J.T.'s harmless."

"Ellie," she whispered.

"What?" I asked.

"There's something I need to find out," she said, sighing awkwardly. "And…no one else can help me."

Being the idiot that I was, I had no idea what she wanted from me. I assumed she was just going to ask me more questions, or bother me with more J.T. stories. But either way, I would be glad to hear them, just for another minute that I could watch her…and wonder to myself why she fascinated me so much.

But rather than saying another word, Manny pulled my body close to hers, and willed our lips to lock into a passionate kiss. I didn't stop her, but I couldn't kiss back either. All I could think about was the tiny silver blade I had brought with me, in my pocket. Because never in my life had I felt more reason to use it. I should have felt like fighting, I should have hit her…pulled back…resisted…done something. But as she continued, I was too filled with shock to even react.


	3. Last Resort

**Chapter Three**

The phone rang on my desk, as I continued to slice at my pale skin, lying on my unmade bed. Should I answer it, or should I ignore it? Although I had no desire to talk to anyone, I realized that I couldn't avoid people forever. Even if the last thing I wanted was human contact, it was a part of life. All I knew was that I never wanted to see, let alone touch, another human being again.

Right now I felt like a worthless piece of filth. I wished Paige hadn't told the counselor that I was cutting. I wished I had just died when I had the chance. But after the seventh ring, I finally pressed my hand against my bleeding arm and picked up the phone with the other. "What do you want?" I demanded.

"Hey Ellie, it's Sean," he said, with a nervously regretful tone.

Great. He had either called to say that he caught me cheating, to break up with me, or to say that _we needed to talk_. And as strongly as I wanted him to leave me alone to die, my heavy conscience forced me to stay on the phone, at least long enough to hear him out. "Hey," I muttered, taking the phone into the bathroom, where I found a band-aid for my arm under the sink.

"What's going on, Ellie?" Sean demanded. "Why did you just run out like that? If you weren't having fun at the party, you could have come talked to me. I'm really getting sick of your drama, Ellie."

I was appalled. Leaning against the white bathroom wall, I felt an insurmountable rage flow through my body. If I didn't find an outlet to the anguish and pain that had built up within me throughout the lonely months of hiding scars and forming false friendships I felt as if I would pass out from it all…and just fade into nothing. "_My _drama?" I shouted into the phone. "Excuse me, but who keeps getting in trouble with the law and acting like they can do whatever they damn well please just because they have a bunch of delinquent assholes as their friends?" I demanded. "And who still hangs out with the girl who drank herself sick and got you in trouble? And lastly, who made this big deal about getting student welfare only to blow your chance on parties with your stupid gang?" I was appalled at my language…I couldn't remember a time when I had been that rude to a friend, let alone a boyfriend. But I felt like my anger toward everything; Manny, my mother, my dad, the war, Ashley, and myself was being poured into the vessel I had created out of Sean.

"Well great," Sean shouted. "I guess I know how you really feel then. It was nice knowing you."

Realizing the impact that my angry words had on him, I quickly tried to mend things. No matter what my mixed feelings for Manny were, losing Sean was something I couldn't…and didn't want to do. "Sean, please. I have no idea where that came from, I care about you. It's not you…it's me…" I said, with one last lame attempt to recover our relationship. I sounded like such a damn idiot.

But Sean had made up his mind, and the phone went dead. Leaving me a filthy

wretch, bleeding on the bathroom floor. I had no boyfriend, no parental figures, no good friends, and the only person who might provide an ounce of solace for me was the school tramp. A girl, don't forget.

Shit, I thought. How could I have been so cruel to the last remaining person who cared about me? Because I was a dependent freak. When I couldn't be Daddy's little girl, I became "the popular Goth's best friend," and Marco's girlfriend. And then I became Paige's sainthood project…and Sean was the last person who still cared about the worthless cutter I had become. And now there was only one person left. But I didn't think I had sunk low enough to cling to someone who was so hopeless herself.

That Monday was Hell for me. Somehow, in the course of two days, everyone had found out about our breakup. And everyone was asking me about it. "I just don't get it," Ashley told me, on our way to first period. "I mean, you guys seemed so perfect to me."

"Yeah," I said hastily. "Well so did you and Craig."

Knowing that I had hit her soft spot, I could safely leave the scene. I still couldn't believe that I was doing this to my friends, purposely hurting everyone around me for the sake of my own selfish antisocial mission. But gaining and losing dependence had become a sort of drug for me. And I couldn't let it go.

By third block, I was such an emotional wreck that I spent the next two hours in the bathroom, crying. I knew, when the bell to leave for fifth block rang, that it was time to come out. I quickly washed my face, but not quickly enough. As I tried to pull myself back together, Ashley and Paige came after me.

"Ellie, we want to talk to you!" Paige insisted. "What's going on? Why are you freaking out all of a sudden?"

I gave Paige a withering look, to show just what I thought of her. "And why do you _care _all of a sudden?" I asked, returning to my makeup.

"Sean said you blew up at him on the phone Saturday night," Ashley sighed. "Ellie, I may have been a bit wrapped up in myself lately, but I know when something's bugging you. So what's going on?"  
"There's nothing wrong with me," I insisted.

"That's what you said before," Paige snapped. "Maybe _I'm _not your friend, Ellie, but we're worried about you."

"What are you going to do?" I snapped. "Go tell the counselor? Make me show you my arm again so you can go running to all your friends and telling them how screwed up I am?"

Paige and Ashley were both angered by my words. "I wasn't the one who outed you," Paige insisted. "I know you find it hard to believe, but I didn't say a word to _anyone_. Someone else must have seen your scars."

Without another word, I opened the door and stepped out of the bathroom. "You're not leaving until you tell us…" Ashley began, trying to keep me from leaving.

"I think I have the right to make it to my fifth block class," I said sharply.

Neither of them made any effort to stop following me down the hall. "We want to know how to help you," Paige insisted.

"We're your friends," Ashley continued. "We want to know what's up."

But it was a lie. No matter how much they thought they cared, they weren't my friends. They only cared when I was on the brink of suicide, and even then they were more interested in the sane members of their clique. Some friends. "I am so sick of everyone worrying about me like I can't handle my own life," I shouted, not caring who heard. "If I want to break up with someone, I'm going to do it. And if I'm a cutter, that's my problem. So leave me alone."

By now, it felt like half the school was watching us. "Ellie?" Marco called. "What's going on over there?"

But I wasn't paying attention to Marco, Paige, Ashley, or anyone else. The only person I noticed was Manny, who was standing in the background, giving me a knowing look. I wanted to run up to her and rip her hair out. I wanted to make her see what she had done to me…to blame her for everything. And at the same time, I wanted to kiss her again, and be held by the last person who could ever understand me. After one last kiss, I wanted to die for even thinking about it. Was I about to give up being straight for a shoulder to cry on?

"Ellie, talk to us," Marco pleaded, after he caught on to the situation.

I knew that this argument would persist unless I just ignored it and went to class. But that didn't stop them from whispering, and looking my way. I just wanted to die.

I figured that the best thing to do would be to focus solely on the teacher, and ignore my surroundings. But it was a nearly impossible task when you knew that all eyes were on you. _Just pay attention to the teacher_, I told myself. _You're here to learn_. _It'll all flow over by tomorrow_.

Just as those thoughts flowed through my mind, I felt something hit the back of my boot. Probably a note, I figured. Not that I got notes that often. Carefully, I unfolded it in my lap to keep the teacher from seeing.

_Meet me in the courtyard near the tree by the front entrance. We'll talk there. _

The note wasn't signed, and it wasn't in familiar handwriting, but I had a pretty good idea who had sent it. So I scribbled the words, _forget it_ on the back, and prepared to slide it back to her. But something held me back.

Waiting for lunch was like waiting in line for a ride as a little kid. It could be horrible, on one hand, or it could actually be amusing. Either way, I really had no idea what I expected she would do. Maybe apologize for having brought me closer to a heart attack than I had ever been. Or maybe she would try to justify what she had done.

Although my rational mind knew that she wouldn't kiss me again in the middle of the school day, I somewhat dreaded confronting her. Because every time I saw her, I felt like we were somehow connected, even though we had never been friends. And now I felt a sort of bittersweet love hate affection for her. Like whether I killed her or fell madly in love with her I would get the same satisfaction. Which was what sickened me about her. She was a slut, the girl who stole our boyfriends. And in some perverted way, I felt like I was falling for her. If I ever had to have feelings for a girl…if they qualified as "feelings"…why did it have to be the school tramp?

When I reached our meeting place, I found Manny was already there, waiting for me, casually leaning against the tree. Just seeing her again made me shiver uncontrollably.

"Let's walk," she suggested. "Less chance of being overheard."

I nodded and we just started walking. All the while I could somehow feel her tension matching mine as I took the first words. "What do you want?" I demanded, as we passed a few picnic tables. "And what did you _need to know _from me?"

Manny gave me a withering look. "Think about it."

I sighed deeply. Obviously, she had been questioning, and wanted to _know_. No matter how logical it was, it still didn't seem to make sense. "But how could you be…I thought you liked Craig, and J.T., and Sully."

"You damn well should know that I can't be with guys anymore," Manny hissed, as we started to make a lap around the school.

Why was this my problem? Staring into her chocolate eyes, I tried my best to let her down. "You can be with any guy you damn want," I insisted.

"You're wrong," she snapped. "I can screw any guy I want, but that's all they see me as. A quick lay."

I was shocked. "Manny, why are you telling me this stuff? You don't even know me."

"Because I thought you were different," Manny shrieked. "I thought you'd understand."

"You thought I'd be gay," I said flatly. "Well thanks a lot, but I'm not."

Manny shrieked in disgust. "You think I want to be this way?"

"You're in charge of your own life," I said simply. "And I don't care what way you are. Just so long as it doesn't include me."

That was a lie. A huge lie.

"So what are you going to do now, Ellie? Go cut yourself again?" she demanded. "Think about it. Ashley is too worked up about her own problems, Marco's got a boyfriend now, Sean dumped you, and as far as I can see…you have no one. Stop acting like you're so much better than me, Ellie. We both screwed ourselves over. And we're both alone."

"So what?" I demanded. "And whose fault is it that Ashley got hurt?"

Manny bowed her head in shame. "I wasn't the one who cheated on someone. But like I've said before, no one ever thinks about that."

When I heard that sentence, I began to laugh uncontrollably. "Oh, and I suppose kissing me was no betrayal to J.T.?"

"J.T. is a jerk," Manny said, her voice deepening with hostility. "He has plenty of offers from clean girls…but who does he pick? The school slut. He goes for appearance and popularity, just like every other guy. First Paige, now me. Tell me you don't see a pattern. And think about it. We both know that we're cutters, and we both know that I kissed you. If one of us wrongs the other, our secrets are out."

Our secrets? I honestly didn't care what she said about me at this point. Everyone knew that I was a cutter, and I didn't think they could avoid me any more than they already did. "Now _you're _threatening _me_." It was so typical of Manny, to say or do whatever she had to in order to get the person she wanted. And even if I knew I was no exception, I felt too weak inside to fight with her.

"Whatever, Ellie," she sighed angrily. "I don't really care one way or another. I'm just saying...we've both been left with nobody. So what now?"

I took another look at Manny, and thought for a moment. "I'm not gay," I repeated flatly. "I don't like girls."

But as I said that, I continued to feel a certain closeness to her that I couldn't fight. Whether I liked girls or not, she was absolutely right to believe that she was all I had left. No matter how horrible it made me feel, I couldn't change its truth.


	4. Crying Now

A/N: Sorry updates are slow these days. I started school August 15th, so I've been busy, but I won't abandon these stories. This story has the song, "Last Resort," which I believe is by Papa Roach. Either way, I don't own it. But if you don't like the song…or haven't heard it…the story still makes sense.

Manny threw herself onto her bed when she arrived home that night. Her body was weary with self-hatred and pity, and her mind was screaming a thousand messages at once.

"You're going to Hell for what you did."

"You have to live with this for the rest of your life."

"This doesn't count."

"Then why can't you change?"

Before, when she wanted to drown out her thoughts, she would call Emma…whose worldly, selfless concerns would bring her back to Earth. Other times, she would call Craig. But her options were now down to two.

Knowing it was a waste of time; she decided to give choice two one last shot.

"Hello," Manny breathed into the phone."

Cut my life into pieces

This is my last resort

"What do you want?" I demanded. "I told you, I'm not interested."

Suffocation

No breathing

Manny sighed. "Ellie, I honestly don't care one way or another if you return my feelings. I could have anyone at our school. I'm not the one who needs someone."

What was that supposed to mean, I wondered, as I angrily pressed my compass into my arm. I couldn't make friends? It only hurt more when I realized that her words were true. Manny could have a one-night stand with anyone at school, and forget her life for a few moments. But that wasn't…and shouldn't be an option for me.

Don't give a f if I cut my arm bleeding

This is my last resort

"Well, fine then," I wanted to say. "Go find someone easy and leave me the Hell alone."

But I didn't say any of those things. Instead, I found myself in tears, just wanting someone to be cared about…the way she so easily could be.

_Stop it, Ellie_, I reminded myself. STOP IT! I couldn't believe that I was cutting over the _phone_. But that night, I felt as if I was ready to die.

"I know, Manny," I said wearily. "But at least I'll never be used the way you are."

Cut my life into pieces

She let a quick laugh into the receiver. "Right, Ellie. Just answer this for me. Which one of us did Ashley use to show everyone that she could be perfect without Paige? And who had a boyfriend who used her to hide his sexuality? Or one who used her to make Emma jealous? Let's think about _that_."

This is my last resort

I wanted to kill her. I seriously did. I wanted to rip out her gorgeous dark hair and stab her to death with my compass. And if I didn't do that, I would pull her into a passionate embrace and kiss her. It was disgusting, how both ideas gave me the same feeling. I wasn't normally a violent person…but she was ruining me, and she had been before she ever even talked to me. "Sean did not date me to make Emma jealous!" I shouted into the phone. "I understood him, we _liked _each other, Manny, and I'm going to tell you something. We had a relationship based on _trust_, not on who does what to who. And if he hadn't seen me go into some random upstairs bedroom at that party, he wouldn't have thought I was cheating, and we'd still be together." I hoped that she couldn't hear my muffled sobs over the phone.

Suffocation

Manny laughed lightly. "And I'm assuming that you didn't practically ignore him for about a month before he thought you cheated? And that you didn't basically ditch him for Marco, because he was _safer_, or start cutting again and let him worry himself sick?"

No breathing

She was right. She always was. But it didn't mean I had to agree. "Manny…" I began.

"You know, Ellie. I thought you were tougher than that. But you sound to me like you're hiding something."

Like what, I wondered. My undying passion for her, of all people? She would be so lucky. I sighed deeply. I should have just hung up the phone. But some part of me must have wanted to argue, because I didn't.

Don't give a f if I cut my arm bleeding

For the first time, since she had the abortion, Manny was able to cry. And she did. I could hear her from the other end of the phone. "You are such a wreck," I hissed.

"Face it, Ellie. We've both ruined our lives. What does it matter anymore if we're girls…or if we get the guys, or what happens anymore?" she asked me.

Would it be wrong

Would it be right

I was hysterical. Was she ready to kill herself? Was my cutting going to lead me to that? These were things I never wanted to consider. "Don't say that!" I shouted. "Don't _ever _say that!"

If I took my life tonight

Chances are that I might

"I'm sorry, Ellie," Manny sighed, trying to hold back tears. "Can you just come over for a bit? I don't want to ask you this…but…if you want me to leave you alone I will…but I really need to talk to someone."

"J.T.," I suggested flatly. But as I said those words, my attention drifted to the blood that was falling from my arm, from the beginning of our conversation. I needed someone too.

Mutilation out of sight

And I'm contemplating suicide

"I'm there," I said weakly. I felt so nauseous; I could barely see where I was going. It was as if my feet were leading me to her house, without my mind or body having any control. _I was going to die_, I thought. And so was she.

Cuz I'm losing my sight

Losing my mind

When I rang the doorbell, my entire body was shaking. A middle aged Hispanic woman opened the door. She seemed relieved to see me standing there, probably glad that I wasn't Craig. But her smile quickly disappeared when she saw me. My hair was falling out of my braids, just hanging off my head like dead weight. And my eyes were glazed over from exhaustion. "Is Manny home?" I asked.

The woman nodded. "Upstairs," she said, opening the door. "Have I seen you before?"

I shook my head, and extended my hand for her to shake. "Ellie," I said. "Ellie Nash. I'm…um…a friend…of Manny's."

Mrs. Santos nodded, and I nonchalantly winced, as she shook my hand, and touched a recent scar, which stung under her handshake. Hoping she wouldn't notice, I pulled my sleeve over my hand, and made a dumb excuse to get away before she noticed. "I'd better not make her wait," I said simply. With that, I began to walk up the stairs.

Manny's door was open, and she was quietly sitting on her bed…the way she had been when this trouble started. "You came," she said weakly. "Are you okay? You look like you're about to die."

"Thanks a lot," I said sarcastically, watching the "perfect" girl sitting there without any makeup, wearing loosely fitting clothes, for once.

Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

Manny got up to shut the door, and I shuddered at the realization that we were alone. I also realized that I had never seen a room so neat and perfect. It was bright and girly, the type of room that a cheerleader _should _have. Pictures of Emma, Craig, and J.T. were up on a bulletin board near her desk, and her computer was decorated with flower stickers. In other words, it was like Manny was a guest in her own home. She had a friendly mother, and a huge room…and she had lots of friends. How did she end up this way? If I had a caring mother…or a sober one for that matter, I would never have ended up like Manny.

"Why do you want me here?" I asked her. "Is it just because I'm the only one left?"

Manny shook her head. "If someone's here, I'll stop."

I shook my head. "Stop what?"

She gave me a dirty look, and placed one hand on her hip in irritation. "You know perfectly well what. When other people are around, I can put up an image. I don't cut myself around other people."

I sighed. "You're insane."

Losing my sight

Losing my mind

Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

"If you had my life, you would be too," Manny said, sitting down on her bed.

What was I, her peer mediator? She looked up with an irritated sigh. "I'm not gonna do anything, Ellie. You can sit down," she said hastily.

With a sigh, I sat down beside her.

"I always thought that if a guy paid attention to me, it didn't matter what kind it was. But just look where that attitude got me," she sighed.

I never realized I was spread too thin

Till it was too late

And I was empty inside

Hungry

"You liked making a scene," I sighed. "It made you feel important, didn't it?"

She gave me a curious look. "What are you talking about?"  
"When no one paid attention to Emma's best friend, you became a cheerleader. But Paige just used you, and took the glory. So you went out with Craig. But he dumped you, so you went after that guy…"

Manny's eyes widened, as she shrieked. "Ellie, don't you ever talk about him again!"

I drew back in alarm. "Sully? Why? Did something happen?"

She shook her head, and bit her lip, as if fighting back tears. "No, not Sully. I don't want to talk about it. Just drop it. Now."

Feeding on chaos

And living in sin

The girl was in a complete panic…I wanted to know what was going on. I wanted to comfort her…however I could…and find out who the guy was, and why she was so angry. But I knew that this wasn't the right time for her to talk. "When I was young, my dad signed up for the military. And that was when my mom started drinking," I began. "After that, we weren't close anymore." I sighed. "I don't even know why I'm telling you this."

Downward spiral, where do I begin?

It all started when I lost my mother

But rather than responding, Manny just began to shiver. "If it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't be like this."

No love for myself

And no love for another

"Like what?" I asked her, unsure if she was ready to tell me.

Manny wiped a tear from her eye. "If you don't want me, I understand," she breathed. "But I don't know what I'm going to do now…and I guess I thought you could help me. You have to understand that I can't be with guys anymore. I can't tell you why."

Although she didn't tell me, I had a feeling that I knew. If I were right, it would explain everything. But I wished, with all of my heart, that I could be wrong…that she hadn't been through what I thought she had.

Searching to find love up on a higher level

Finding nothing but questions and devils

It was so scary, seeing Manny for who she truly was, on the inside. The person I had kissed at the party was like her outer shell…the image she put off. But now I was talking to a real person…someone who was all but destroyed…who made me seem like a perfectly normal girl.

"I don't want you," I sighed, looking down at my combat boots. "But if I didn't…I wouldn't keep arguing…would I?" I asked. My breath began to shake. Had I really said that out loud?  
Apparently I had. "We don't have to tell anyone," Manny promised. "You can get back with Sean for all I care. It can be a secret."

Cuz I'm losing my sight

I shook my head. "I don't believe in cheating, Manny." I knew that sentence would probably hit a rough spot in her psyche, but she seemed pretty unaffected by it.

Losing my mind

"Fine," Manny said. "But just think about it. How much more of an outcast can you be?"

I really didn't want to hear that from her. Marco was gay. Not me. But somehow I couldn't stop wanting her…as wrong as it was.

Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

If I said yes, someone would care about me. I wasn't sure how long it would last…but I would be loved. I just hoped that she wouldn't push me too far. But if I said no, I would be completely alone…but without breaking the rules society had created. But I had to decide now. Whatever I said would be final. "Okay," I sighed, hating myself for submitting.

Manny seemed alarmed, as if she hadn't expected me to agree. "Really? Are…are you sure?"

I gasped. "Please, stop," I said. "I don't want to discuss it. I said okay."

Losing my sight

Losing my mind

Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

I just couldn't believe that I was lonely enough to accept love from a girl like Manny. But at this point, I would take it.

"Okay," Manny said, offering a weak smile. "But I want you to be sure."

With that, I gave her a quick kiss, more out of affirmation than actual desire. "I'm sure, Manny. I'm already screwed."

Nothing's all right

Nothing is fine

After that, she leaned in to kiss me back, and I began to feel nauseous. All I could think about was how wrong it was…how weak I was to give in…even for what mild of a relationship we could have. My first reaction was to take a run for it…but I knew that I couldn't. That was what caused me to burst into tears…again, right in front of her. I was pathetic, just sitting on her bed, bawling.

I'm running and I'm crying

I'm crying now

I'm crying now

I'm crying now

I'm crying now

She seemed hesitant to offer comfort, but she eventually took me in her arms and ran her fingers through my hair. My mother used to do that, when I was young…and got scared. And that just made me cry harder.

I can't go on living this way

"Don't kill yourself, Ellie," Manny pleaded.

"Why?" I demanded. "Why should I stay?"

"Because…I can't explain it, Ellie, but if there's hope for you…" she paused, as if she were afraid of sounding stupid. "I just want you to stay, Ellie. Don't cry," she pleaded.

Cut my life into pieces

This is my last resort

Searching for the only source of comfort I had, I put my arm around her, just relieved that while I was breaking down, someone was there…someone cared.

Suffocation

No breathing

Don't give a f if I cut my arm bleeding

"Just promise me you'll try to stop," Manny sighed.

"I will if you will," I cried.

"Deal," she sighed.

Would it be wrong  
Would it be right

If I took my life tonight

Once I was slightly composed, I had to ask the question that was burning in my mind. "You miss Craig, don't you?"

Chances are that I might

Manny shook her head. "I don't like him, Ellie. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Even if I do…I can't be with guys anymore. And someday I'll tell you why. I promise."

Mutilation outta sight

And I'm contemplating suicide

Manny took me into her bathroom, and gave me a washcloth to wash off my face, which was smeared with black eyeliner and mascara that was running down my cheeks.

"You look like a coal miner," she commented, handing me a towel.

Her comment could only get a weak laugh out of me. I just wanted to go home. But not to the home I had now.

Cuz I'm losing my sight

Losing my mind

"Ellie," she said, as I ran cold water onto the washcloth.

"Hmm?" I asked.

"I don't think you're crazy," she said.

Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

"Only one other person has ever said that to me," I told her.

Losing my sight

Losing my mind

Wish somebody would tell me I'm fine

"Sean," she sighed. "Do _you _miss _him_?"

It was an unfair question to ask. If I said yes, I would hurt the only person who cared. But if I said no…she was bound to see through it, the way she saw through everything else I said to her. "We just broke up," I told her. "But I'm not going to run after him, if that's what you think."

_Yes_, I thought. _I do miss Sean. _If he hadn't broken up with me, he could be the one to comfort me. But I had never let him.

Nothing's all right

Nothing is fine

I'm running and I'm crying

When I finally returned home, I found my mother exactly where she had been when I left. My conscience was thick with blame. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't be so dependent on other people. If it hadn't been for Marco, I would still be with a guy. Then if I hadn't gone into that room with Manny, Sean wouldn't have assumed I was ignoring him to hide the fact that I was cheating. And if Dad hadn't left…the _what ifs _were too overwhelming to even consider.

I can't go on living this way

Can't go on

Living this way

But as I slid into my room, my safe haven, I realized that I had one message on my answering machine.

"Hey, Ellie, it's Sean. Listen…I was having a really bad day yesterday…and…you know…I get really angry sometimes. Look, what I'm trying to say is…I'm sorry. Just call me back when you get this, okay?"

Nothing is fine


	5. Ashamed of Me

I had no idea whether or not to call Sean. I missed him...and it was tearing a hole inside me. How easy it would have been, just to take him back, simply for a few more days of pretending. But what was more real? My relationship with Sean, in which I spent half my time trying to conceal my scars and inner conflicts, or my relationship with Manny, where she only wanted me out of a phobia, and where I couldn't even decide if my mixed feelings for her were real? And which one was worth perusing? Sean was an acceptable person to love, but that didn't mean that I did. And with Manny, I really felt like I was special to her...perhaps because she knew me better than Sean ever could, no matter how hard he tried. But if I tried to get back what I had with Sean, I could lose what little I had with Manny. But that was how it was supposed to be. Girls were supposed to love boys. In storybooks, girls didn't cut and find solace in null romances. I sighed at the thought. I was so far away from the type of girl in those books...I didn't even know why I was considering it.

I spent hours contemplating whether or not to call Sean back. And that was when the thought first crossed my mind. _What if I didn't want him that way? What if we had only been friends? _I couldn't believe that I was questioning my sexuality. What was worse...was the fact that this was one thing I couldn't blame Manny for. I suppose Marco coming out to me had made me see it as a real issue...something that could happen to the most unlikely people. _Even me_.

But I remembered what had happened to Marco when he came out. How he had been jumped. What would have happened if _I _had been in Marco? Would they have been more accepting? Or would they have tried to "prove to me that I was straight?" The thought scared me so deeply that I wanted to break up with Manny right then, just to protect myself.

Then it hit me. Who was better at pretending than I was? She had told me that I could get back together with Sean. But did I believe in cheating? Apparently, because within moments, I was on the phone with him, waiting to accept his apology.

"Hi, it's Ellie," I said, when I heard Sean's voice on the other end. "I got your call."

I sat down at my desk, as if I thought that the information would be easier to absorb while I was sitting, in the safety of my room.

"Ellie, I am _really_ sorry about what happened between us," he sighed. "I just...I felt like I had tried everything, and I still couldn't help you. You didn't want to do anything...for almost a month, and every time you _did _talk, it seemed more like you had to, than you wanted to. And...sometimes I get really angry. Like that time I fought Jimmy. And I'm sorry."

It took me a moment to recover. "I know I don't talk...I'm sorry too," I mumbled. "I'll try to be better if you give me another chance."

Sean considered this. "I don't know, Elle. Maybe we should just take things slow and just try being friends for a while, and see how it goes. Because that's what you say whenever we get into fights. You'll try harder, you're sorry, you're stressed. And if you don't think it's working out, you can tell me."

"There's someone else, isn't there?" I asked him.

He sounded appalled. "What? No! Ellie, what are you talking about?"

"Why do you want me not to like you?" I demanded.

"I don't," Sean sighed. "I would do anything to make this work. But I just get this feeling that you want something else...something that I can't give you."

I felt a lump in my throat. "Like what?" I demanded.

"Look, Ellie. I still care about you. But you have to admit that our relationship has been going downhill for about a month now. And I'm sorry that I was the first one to admit it, but I think the world of you, and I seriously hope that we can get back together someday. But for now...I think it would be better if..." he hesitated.

"You want to see other people?" I asked him. "Do you like Emma again?"

If he did, he didn't admit it. "You _wouldn't_ care, _would_ you?" he asked me testingly.

I was taken aback. "Of course I would...I...I'd..."

Sean wasn't convinced. "What _do _you care about?" he asked me.

"Sean...I care about a lot of things," I argued defensively.

"Yeah? Well...let me know when you think of something," he said.

When we finally hung up, I couldn't even cry. He was right to break up with me. I hadn't been a good girlfriend to him. And he had every right to go after someone who would be. But that didn't mean I liked it. And I knew that deep down he didn't either.

............................................................................................................

I didn't want to see Manny the next day, or anyone for that matter. But, as usual, _everyone _was on my trail. That wasn't what shocked me. It was their reasoning behind it.

"Ellie!" Emma called to me. "Ellie. Can I talk to you for a minute?"

My mind fell into a state of confusion? Since when did girls like her talk to me? I hoped it wasn't about...

I nodded tensely. "Sure," I said, continuing to walk.

"I saw you and Manny talking yesterday at lunch. Are you guys friends?" she asked me.

My entire body tensed when I heard the question. "Um...you could say that I guess. We just got to know each other a few days ago," I finished. It wasn't entirely a lie, but _got to know each other _was certainly downplaying the situation.

Emma gasped. "Okay, I really don't want to bug you...but I'm worried about her. She goes in the bathroom by herself almost every day...and she doesn't seem to be eating as much as she should be. I dunno...do you think maybe you could talk to her for me?"

I honestly had no idea what to say. If Manny went down for her nasty habits, then I would definitely fall with her. But there was no way I was going to say that to Emma. Instead, I just said, "I...dunno that much. Sure, I'll talk to her...I guess."

Emma nodded. "Okay, thank you so much. Because I'm _really _worried about her...and I still care about her...even though all that stuff happened."

I shrugged. "Yea...alright. Later."

Out of curiosity, I decided to check the nearby bathroom to find out if Manny was in there...as Emma said she would be. But, as always with planned trips, she wasn't. So I supposed I would have to wait.

When I finally did see her, I was outside, for lunch. "Hey, Manny," I said, taking a seat on the grass.

"Hi," she responded.

"Oh...Emma's worried about you. She wanted me to tell you that she still cares...or something like that," I mumbled. At least now, I could feel secure that I had done the right thing and told Manny what I was supposed to.

Manny rolled her eyes. "She cares exactly as much as Ashley does. Only enough to make _herself _look good."

I nodded. She had an excellent point.

But there was one thing on my mind that would not leave no matter how hard I tried to make it. "Manny...I want to ask you something," I said, lowering my voice so that it was barely above a whisper.

She nodded. "Sure."

"How is this going to work? Are we just going to pretend to be friends at school forever...or are we going to tell someone?"  
Manny looked confused. "_Forever_? Ellie...we only started talking about a week ago. I don't seriously get what you're talking about."

I rolled my eyes. "You know perfectly well what I'm talking about. Are we going to hide this forever?"

She looked at me with a solemn gaze. "It's a cruel world, Elle. And it's even crueler when you're not straight...or don't appear to be. So just think about how badly you want the world to know that you're with the school tramp."

Instantly, my mouth went dry. "I never said I was ashamed of you."

"But you are," she stated. "Just think about that."


	6. Haunted

A/N: The song in this poem belongs to Evanescence, not to me. It's not about rape...despite the suggestion of the theme at the end of the song. I used a second meaning of the words.

Long lost words whisper slowly, to me 

I couldn't believe, that once again, Manny was trying to make me responsible for everything that was happening. She was the one who seemed to be insisting on our completely unreasonable relationship to begin with, and now she was trying to convince me that _I_ had wanted to be with _her_. That at least some part of me liked having her around, even if I only liked her as a last resort.

Of course, I didn't want to believe her. But if I hadn't liked her, at least a little bit, I would have gotten rid of her before we could have had time for a second kiss. And I also couldn't pretend to be naïve about the girl I was dating. I had to have known perfectly well what dating Manny implied, even if it was horrible to think about. Every time I thought of her as the horrible slut that everyone made her out to be, I wondered what that said about _me_, that I was low enough to be attracted to her...when I wasn't even completely sure I liked girls that way.

_Dammit, Ellie_, I thought to myself.

"What do you want from me?" I spat back at Manny. "Do you honestly want me as your secret girlfriend or something? Or am I just part of your plan to make you more attractive to guys?"

Manny looked shocked. "Don't even touch that Ellie. You have no idea what you're talking about."

I threw her a dirty look. "Don't I? Honestly, Manny. You're straight. You and I both know it. So what else would you be doing with me?"

Manny sheepishly shifted her gaze so that she wouldn't have to make eye contact with me, for the rest of our conversation. "You don't know why I was the way I was. And it sickens me how, no matter _what _the circumstances are, that no one seems to want to listen. It's like, they can't even begin to grasp the idea that maybe I do tell the truth sometimes. I'm living up to my mistakes, and I'm paying for them. Trust me on that."

Why was it that every time I saw her, I loved her, and hated her more? There was a small part of me that wanted to never see her again, but the small portion of me that wanted to understand, and to know why she needed me, instead of Craig, J.T., or Sully easily beat it.

"No, Manny," I said, softening my tone ever so slightly. "I _do _want to listen. I guess I just want to know why you picked me. I know we've talked about it, but I'm still confused."

"Look," she hesitated. "I like you now. So why should we have to analyze it all like that?"

I couldn't understand why I couldn't come up with a good explanation. "Because..." I paused for a moment. Why was it so important that I knew _why _she liked me?

"I get it," she said. "You want to know why I like you...because you want to know what you're doing with me."

I nodded tensely. I agreed with her, but I hadn't planned to put it so bluntly. Yes. It was a question that had tormented me since the night she kissed me at the party.

Still can't find what keeps me here 

"You want me to answer that?" she asked me.

I nodded. "Please," I begged her.

The sound of the end of lunch bell could faintly be heard from the courtyard, and most of the students took it as their cues to reenter the building. "You don't care about missing classes, do you?" she asked.

I shook my head. "I've done it before." As much as I didn't want Saturday school, it wouldn't exactly be a new experience for me. Besides, it was hardly as if my mother would be awake when the school called to complain that instead of simply allowing my mind to wander miles away from the subjects being taught, I was just letting my body leave with it.

"Good, because it's going to take a while for me to explain," she said, offering a half smile. She seemed pleased, at least, that I was willing to follow her.

It still amazed me how easy it was to simply walk away from school, saving the consequences for later. I only wished it were that easy to walk away from life.

"Don't tell anyone what I say," Manny told me. "Because I don't exactly talk about this kind of thing very often."

I nodded, wondering what a girl like Manny could possibly still have hidden, after the world knew about her abortion.

When all this time I've been so hollow 

_I know you're still there_

We kept on walking until we reached a local park. It seemed as if Manny wouldn't be satisfied until she was certain that no one would overhear our conversation. "Have you heard about what happened to Paige?" Manny asked, her voice shaking nervously, as she sat down on a bench.

I nodded. "Kind of. Isn't she pressing charges against some guy for..."

"Yes," Manny stated. "You know what he did, but that's not the point. You also know that I liked him for a while."

I was shocked. "You did?" I tried my hardest to hide my disgust. From what I had heard of him, he was basically the lowest of scum.

"Well, I was stupid, right?" Manny asked. "I didn't know anything about who he was, or what he was. All I knew was that Paige got him, and I didn't. And if it wasn't him, it was someone, or something else. She had everything I wanted, and I couldn't understand why."

I realized that now was definitely not the time to make a cynical comment about Paige. "Go on," I said, trying not to discourage Manny from giving me the full explanation.

"She told me that the reason guys didn't go for me was because I was _adorable_. You needed to be _hot _to get a boyfriend. And, by then, everyone knew that she and Dean had sex. Back then I didn't know the whole story. I figured that maybe the girls who acted mature and sexy were the ones guys would go for. So I tried that image for a while, but Sully showed me that I definitely didn't want that kind of attention. I didn't want to be liked for being a slut."

_Watching me_

"Makes sense," I commented.

"But by then, rumor had spread all around the school that I was easy," she continued. "And it was like...everything I had tried to be was completely ruined. Once I lost my virginity, I couldn't go back, and my reputation wouldn't change no matter what I tried to do to turn my life around. So, I guess I figured that since I had already established myself as trash, I might as well go for someone I actually wanted."

_Wanting me_

I can feel you pull me down 

It did make sense, but her explanation still left some gray areas. "Okay, that makes sense," I paused, indicating for her to continue the story.

Fearing you, loving you 

"I wanted to be loved so badly that I would do anything for it. Whatever it took. But, of course, I felt guilty about what I had done. I started cutting and sometimes even drinking to stop feeling guilty. I guess deep down, I felt that every guy would be the one to save me, or fall in love with me, so I wouldn't have to do it again."

I won't let you pull me down 

This explanation left me with mixed feelings. Maybe it had been stupid of her to do the things she did, but she must have been hurting so much to be compelled to search for love that way.

"And Ellie...I want someone who cares about me, and isn't going to show me off like a prize, and who doesn't just stay with me for sex. You're just the only person who seems to not be so caught up in high school drama that you can't care about anything, or anyone else," she explained. "And you have your own style. You don't think the way everyone else does. It's not just your red hair or alternative clothes. It's the way you just manage to pull off everything you do without trying too hard. And when you talk about problems, they're real. They're about more than just Spinner calling you the wrong pet name, or Heather Sinclair's haircut."

I nodded, and after I heard her explanation, I had this sudden acceptance of where I was. Somehow I felt that we needed each other the way she thought we did. Manny's words were flattering, but I didn't want to give in. There was still a part of me that had to had to stay away...and it was the part of me that needed to be convinced to either stay or go. "Okay...so...I just...well...I'm flattered...but..." I hesitated, hoping she would understand what I wanted to ask her.

Manny sighed. "You want to know what you're doing with me?" she asked.

I nodded. "I wouldn't have put it that way...but I guess so. Yeah," I added lamely.

"Ellie, think about it. Ever since I met you, I thought that you were different. Just tell me. Did you ever think about girls before I kissed you? I'm not trying to judge you, I just want to know."

Manny's words hit a rough spot in my psyche, a part of me I didn't exactly want to address. "I like guys," I stated sharply, scooting a few inches farther from her on the bench. For a few moments, I was just confused as to what side I was supposed to defend. If I told her that I liked girls, she would be happy. But what if it wasn't true?

"You do like guys," Manny admitted. "But...I don't think that's all. And I'm not just saying that because I like you. I'm saying that because I think it's true, and I think you know it is too."

I never completely understood how Manny managed to completely eliminate every barrier and defense mechanism I had created, and just leave me with nowhere to hide. After her words registered in my mind, I immediately became short of breath. "I like you as a person, Manny, and that's why I'm attracted to you. It doesn't mean anything about my sexuality."

"So you _are _attracted to me?" she asked softly, without sounding vain.

How had I let myself admit it? My body was completely frozen, and I seriously wanted to die. "What am I supposed to say?" I asked, snapping the rubber band that was on my wrist.

"What you feel, Ellie," she told me. "If you don't want to be with me, I want you to tell me. I'm sorry if I pushed it on you, but it's your decision. I want to know how _you _feel too."

Of course, I hadn't wanted this moment to ever come. Right now, I had a few short seconds to tell Manny how I really felt, regardless of my decision. Talking to her, and repressing my thoughts was getting me nowhere. It was time that I found out for sure. I began to shiver, momentarily as I pulled Manny close to me, and pressed my lips against hers. I could feel her immediately kiss back, allowing me to notice that she was wearing a sort of strawberry lip-gloss. Everything about her was beautiful. Besides her body and face, I was becoming absorbed in the soft, fruity smell of her shampoo, the strawberry taste of her lips, the way she held me while we kissed, and simply the fact that I had never had a kiss that had been this wonderful. For a few moments, she was the only thing that existed in my world. I didn't have an alcoholic mother, or a father away at war. I didn't have fickle friends or a detention waiting upon my arrival. I just had Manny here, with me. It was completely horrifying, yet invigorating at the same time. All I knew was that I didn't want to stop, and I didn't pull away until I couldn't hold my breath any longer. But it was a moment where mundane factors like breathing hardly seemed to matter. It wasn't until we finally pulled away that I could truly rationalize what had happened.

Hunting you, I can smell you, alive Your heart pounding in my head 

Manny looked down awkwardly, as did I. I just wished that there were some way I could have read her mind...known if what I had done had been wrong. All I wanted was to be alone to be with my feelings, to comprehend what had happened. But the time I spent considering my situation would be time away from the girl I finally knew that I had feelings for.

Manny looked up, eyeing me with a sort of shy and awkward, flickering smile that was trying to make itself less obvious. "Did you like that?" she asked me.

I nodded tensely. I was so inclined to keep her, that I didn't care how truly afraid I was. "Did you?" I asked, in return. _Please say you did_, I thought to myself. Of course, it wasn't as if she had never kissed me before. But this had been the first time I had ever truly felt something...and made the first move. This, to me, felt more like a first kiss was supposed to be than any I had experienced. Everything was exactly the way it was supposed to be, but it wasn't supposed to happen with Manny. It was supposed to happen with Sean, or another boy, in a respectable relationship, built on mutual...

_Screw that_, I thought.

She nodded as well, and within a few moments, we shared another kiss, almost as intense as the last, minus the shock and fear from the first one.

Watching me, wanting me 

_I can feel you pull me down_

"Manny?" I asked her, when we finally took a breath.

"Mmhm?" she asked.

"What are we going to do if someone finds out?"

I nervously waited for her answer.

"They already think what they want to about us," she told me. "But sometimes you can be wrong about people."

I, of course, knew what she was implying. I also knew that, somewhere in my subconscious; I had wanted it to be this way.

I just hoped beyond hope that today wouldn't be the last day that Manny and I could completely be together. This was here, and now, but we would eventually have to go back to school, and face reality. In the real world, you couldn't pause time and return when you were ready to accept what was happening. In a way, I felt happy that someone loved me, but I also knew that I had betrayed myself. I had never wanted to be this way. I had fought so hard to stay straight, that it had been the last straw in my series of problems that led me to become a cutter. And now, I was being forced to relive the shame that I thought I had escaped.

Saving me, raping me 

_Watching me_

But maybe I should have been more grateful to Manny. I had only needed to cut when my emotions were so strong that I hadn't been able to cry anymore. And now, I was bawling. "People will have to know," I whispered, when I was ready to talk. "I don't want to be a bisexual kid. I want to be normal, I've tried so hard."

"You aren't normal, Ellie. You're better than that. You think for yourself, and you know what's right for you." Manny objected, putting her arm around me. "And if they can't accept it, then they aren't worth your time."

"They won't accept it," I said finally, resting my head on her shoulder. "I just don't know why I have to be this way."

"But you are," Manny told me. "And you can't change it."

Watching me, wanting me I can feel you pull me down 

I just continued to cry for a few moments.

"We don't have to tell anyone," Manny repeated. "But you're not 'the weird kid' until you let those people make you believe the things they say about you. But if you're bad for being who you are, then so am I. And so are Marco and Dylan, and Ashley's father. None of us did anything to earn being what we are...we just are. Please don't cry."

I couldn't believe that the girl who had told me to shut up, just a few hours ago, was being so gentle with me. But it didn't matter. What mattered was that I finally knew what I was, and that right now, I didn't need to think about what that meant. Unfortunately, I wasn't going to be able to keep that attitude for much longer.

Fearing you, loving you I won't let you pull me down  



	7. Too Much

A/N: I know it's been a long time since I've written, but I was in the school play and shortly after went on a trip for school. I was very busy, but I have a new chapter up. Note: Has strong language.

The day after the kiss, Manny didn't speak to me at all. It didn't bother me, the first time it happened, but after about a week I began to get suspicious. Usually, if she went any length of time without talking to me, she called at some random time and made it up to me in her own twisted way. Perhaps skipping class to kiss in the parkdidn't quitemade up for the manic-depressive nature of our relationship, but that was Manny for you. She didn't tell you straight out what she was feeling (like Marco,) and she didn't always have a life situation that reflected her behavior (Sean.) She was just unpredictable, and not always in a good way.

I remember I was in the cafeteria, buying lunch, when I saw an angry Paigestorm away from Spinner. Of course, not being a part of their group, I had no clue what was going on. But by the next day, even _I _was informed.

I overheard the truth when I saw Ashley and Hazel trying to comfort Paige out by her locker. Normally, whentheytalked, I stayed out of the way. But something in the conversationcaught my attention"I can't believe she did it again," Ashley said furiously, slamming her locker door shut. "God…first to me, then to you. Boys _always _go for tramps like her, it doesn't even matter what kind of person you are..."

"_Ashley_, it's not like that, okay," Paige sobbed. "_I _crashed his car. He had a right to be mad."

"But not to treat you the way he did," Hazel objected, joining the conversation. "Or to go after Manny while you were still dating."

My heart stopped, and my body froze where I was standing. Although Ashley had a tendency to exaggerate about Manny's wrongdoings, but I couldn't pretend to be the expert on her life. "Did you say Manny?" I asked, turning to face them.

"What?" Ashley asked, noticing too late that I had joined the conversation.

I shrugged. "I just wanted to know who you were talking about."

"That slut, Manny," Ashley snapped. "She stole Spinner away from Paige."

Paige just continued to cry, so Hazel was kind enough to explain it to me. "Manny and Spinner got a bit too close at that carwash Paige didn't go to. He got in a fight with Craig last night, and accused Craig of being jealous that Manny liked him. So…yeah…you could say Manny has _something _to do with it. I can't believe Spinner."

My hand covered my mouth, so I wouldn't reveal which member of the scandalous couple I was upset with. "I can't believe Spinner did that to you," I said. "I'm…really sorry…Paige," I finished lamely. "Well…I have to go."

I walked away, trying to stay calm, and I waited to let out my rage until I found Manny, talking to Emma by her locker.

"_Manny_," I sighed heavily.

"Yeah?" she asked, looking up.

"I need to talk to you," I said firmly.

"Well, class is about to start," Emma reminded me. "So, you guys might want to wait."

I shook my head. "Skipping classes never bothered her before," I said, shifting my gaze from a startled Emma, and shooting Manny a piercing glance, "We're going to talk _now_," I insisted.

Manny laughed lightly, and shook her head. "About what?" she asked innocently.

I was so tired of always working on her schedule. All my life, I had let other people call the shots. My mother, my friends, my boyfriends, and now Manny, the girl who thought she could save me from a cycle she was quickly becoming a part of. I didn't care if the whole school was talking by tomorrow. I just had to talk to Manny, and getmy explanation.

The warning bell rang overhead, and students around us began to hasten in their steps. "Can't this wait?" Emma asked nervously. "I mean…class is about to…"

Manny sighed. "You're right. Emma, you go to class. I think this is important."

She _thought_? How could anyone not know for sure if their own girlfriend…their relationship was important?

Emma rolled her eyes. "Don't be too long," she sighed. "Because I'm not going to cover for you if you're late."

Manny nodded, and followed me outside. "So, what did your friends tell you I did _this _time?" she asked lethargically.

"_My friends _may not be perfect, Manny, but they don't usually lie about this sort of thing. I mean…I hope they are," I said, beginning to stroll as I spoke. "But…they say that you're the reason Paige and Spinner broke up. That he used you to cheat," I finished. "And…I just want to know what's going on with you. You haven't talked to me all week, and so I don't really know what to think right now."

My heart was racing. Was this really worth it?

Manny shook her head again. "And what do you expect me to do? Tell everyone we're dating? Were you planning to take me to the next dance? Honestly, Elle, if we're trying to keep this a secret, we've got to at least play along with their expectations."

I was appalled. "And why do we _have _to keep it a secret? I don't even know what the hell is going on with you, or with me. I _knew _I was straight; it was the one thing about me that wasn't different from everyone else. But then you came along and now I…"

"I'll tell you what the problem is," Manny said. "It's more _your _problem than anything."

"And what would that be?" I asked.

Manny sighed. "You think that you were just the innocent little straight girl who had _nothing _to do with this, and you were _so _ashamed that you'd do anything to hide it. But now that I'm _trying _to cover for you, you have to find some way to turn it into something else to hurt over."

"Manny, you don't know what the fuck you're talking about!" I shrieked, trying not to cry. "Don't you dare act like you're doing this all for _us_. You're just like everyone else, you're using me and then making it my fault when I get hurt."

Manny shrugged. "Maybe yes, maybe no. But what are you going to do about it?"

I hated how she used my inability to speak out against me. "I…I'll…I don't think I want to date someone who's cheating on me," I said. "And pretends I don't exist. Who skips class tomake out withme one minute and ignores me the next."

Manny rolled her eyes. "Did you honestly think we were serious?"

Finally, the impact of everything that had happened sunk in. She wasn't just trying to cover up our relationship. She was inconsistent because she didn't _care _about it. Or me. That just made it worse. It wasn't anything I had done, or said, that made her dislike me. It was just me, every fiber of my being that made me _wrong _for the only person who still seemed to care. I got my explanation, and it made more sense than believing that she was simply afraid, or ashamed. All along, she hadn't really cared.

"What are you saying Manny?" I asked, biting my upper lip to fight the tears that were readily waiting in the corners of my eyes.

"I think you know what I'm saying," she said. "Face it. No matter what you want, or what I want, girls go with guys. That's just how it is. We can go on pretending that it's different, but when the dances come around, the _girls _get asked by _guys_. We bring _boys _home to our parents, and those _boys _become _men_ and they marry us. I'm already an abortionist, and I don't want to be a lesbian on top of that."

I started to feel sick. "You were so upset with _me _for being ashamed of _you_. Now…you're saying we can't be together because it doesn't look right?"

Manny sighed again. "Do you want to have your mother see you walking down the aisle with another woman? Do you want to raise a kid who has to fake his family tree because you couldn't be like everybody else? Do you want your kid not to have friends because no one wants to go to your house and catch _gay _from you?"

I thought about it. If I married a girl, I would have to deal with all of those things. But what would I do without Manny? A small part of me felt like I was free, and there was no way I could go back to Sean. But the rest of me wanted to cry back to him, and return to something stable.

"Manny, I can't go back," I shrieked.

"I never said you had to," she sighed.

I was completely mortified. "So you mean…you're just going to keep _pretending _with me while Spinner isn't looking? No…"

"But what else are you going to do?" she demanded. "That's how people like us have to live. We hide."

"No," I said. "What about Marco and Dylan? They don't..."

"What _about _them?" Manny asked.

A/N: Next chapter coming soon.


	8. Hate

A/N: I hope this update is okay. It has the song, _I Hate Everything About You _by 3 Days Grace, and I don't own that. It also hints at some adult situations, so if that offends you, don't read it.

I tried talking to Manny about what happened. Every time she called me, or I called her, I subconsciously wished that her façade would return, and she would continue to compliment me on random aspects of my appearance, and tell me that she needed me, for whatever strange reasons she made up. But since she and Spinner hooked up, she spent half her time acting like nothing happened, and the other half trying to convince me to go to her house, or meet her somewhere. The first time, I had agreed, but I usually put it off. The problem was that, if she wasn't trying to secretly get together with me somewhere, she was telling me about her love life as if nothing had ever happened between us. After about a month of stories about her sex life with Spinner, and how much she hated Marco, I got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore.

I remember one day I saw Marco arguing with her in the hallway, and I asked him what was going on. He took me aside, and told me what Manny called him. I was appalled, but didn't say much. She walked out of school with Spinner, and didn't say a word to me.

"I don't understand her," Marco told me. "It's not like she doesn't have any faults of her own. Lately every time I'm even around her, she tells me to keep the 'gayness' away from her. I just don't see what her problem is."

_I did_. But I didn't say anything. "Yeah. She is being pretty bitchy lately."

"Really?" Marco asked me. "What else is she doing?"  
I shrugged. "I dunno. She just…bothers me. That's all."

"Ellie, no one ever just _bothers _you," Marco reminded me, as we sat by the window, waiting for his mom to pick us up from school. "You always have a reason when you're pissed off with someone."  
"I don't like how she treats me friends," I told him sharply. "She's gross and mean, and she gives people way too much information about her life."

Marco gave me a questioning look. "Why does she talk to you all of a sudden?"  
I shook my head. "I don't know."

"You know, there are rumors going around that she's been experimenting with girls," Marco told me. "I think she's calling me what she is to try to cover it a bit."

If I hadn't been seated, I would have jumped. "_What_? Which girls?"

Marco shrugged. "I honestly don't know. She's basically getting worse by the second though. I mean, she gets okay guys…but I have a feeling _Rick _could get a girl like her. Just so long as he was nasty enough to go with it."

I had never heard Marco be that rude about anyone. "Why do you hate her so much?"

Marco shook his head. "Because everyone can forgive her being a slut, because it's convenient. But no one can forgive me for being gay."

All she was really guilty of was taking what Marco didn't want. "I guess I can see that."

I knew that Marco was still my friend, and that I could call him, or Ashley, whenever I wanted to, but it didn't help to make things make sense again. I kept my eyes open, but there was no one else that interested me, on either side. I needed Manny back, and I couldn't understand why. She insulted one of my best friends, she treated everyone like dirt, she was a slut, and she had all the qualities of someone I would hate. _But I didn't._

A few weeks later, Manny called me again, at one thirty on a Friday night. I had been awake the entire night, absorbing the effects of my last cutting binge. I had cut myself in numerous places, but nothing I did hurt enough to even begin to reduce what I was feeling. But when I thought about Manny, the emotional pain sufficed for that purpose.

"Spinner and I broke up," she announced.

"So, am I supposed to care?" I asked her, falling back onto my bed.

Every time we lie awake 

_After every hit we take_

"Will you come over?" Manny asked me.

"It's one in the morning," I reminded her. "And even if it weren't, I'm not falling for you anymore." Lie. "And even if you and Spinner are separated for now, I'm not that desperate to have someone." Lie. "Do you think I'm honestly going to let you treat me that way?" Lie. "Because…"

"Because there's no one else at Degrassi who pays attention to you, and naturally you listen to everything anyone says about me. What, at this point, do you really have to lose by coming to my house?"

All the feelings that I get But I still don't miss you yet 

"You get me to like you by telling me that I'm such a wreck that spending time with you is the least of my problems. How sweet," I said sarcastically.

"You aren't mad because I say that. You're mad because I'm right," Manny reminded me, continuing her perverse psychology.

"You are such a bitch!" I shouted.

"Do you want to wake the neighbors?" Manny demanded. "If you talk to me on the phone, your mother's going to wake up and yell at you. And then you'll be depressed again. My parents aren't home tonight…so what do you have to lose by coming to _my_ house?"

Every roommate kept awake 

_By every sigh and scream we make_

"A lot," I told her. "You treat my friends like shit, and you cheat one me. Why the hell would I want you back?"

All the feelings that I get But I still don't miss you yet 

"Because you can always trust me to be inconsistent and bitchy. Everyone else could turn on you at any moment. That's what Sully told me he loved about me, and maybe you agree," she suggested.

Only when I stop to think about it 

"Alright," I sighed. "I'll come over."

I should have known, before agreeing, that Manny didn't invite me to talk. She could have apologized for treating me badly, or at least done _something _that made sense. But instead, all she said was, "I was with Spinner, but I don't cheat," and then kissed me, continuously. I found myself unable to do anything but go along with whatever she was doing. I was sitting on her bed, allowing her to press her lips against mine, and hold me as if nothing had ever happened, and the obvious still hadn't hit me.

When she started trying to undo my blouse, I finally managed to react. "Manny!" I shrieked. "No. Stop that."

I hate everything about you 

_Why do I love you?_

"Sorry," Manny said irately. "I should know better than to try to scar your innocence."

After that, I pretty much gave up. For every argument I had as to why I shouldn't be with her, she had a counterargument. I practiced self-mutilation, and nothing hurt more than letting Manny take the last strand of purity I had left, feeling torn between loving her, and hating every fiber of her being, knowing that by Monday she and Spinner would most likely be back together, and none of this would count. But for the moment, it did.

I hate everything about you 

_Why do I love you?  
_Eventually, it was over, and I couldn't bear to look at her, so I kept my focus on the ceiling. I had never done anything this awful before. It wasn't just the notion of purity. God knew there were plenty of non-virgins at Degrassi. It was the fact that I had let someone who treated my friends and me as badly as she did, destroy that purity.

Every time we lie awake After every hit we take 

"I have a question," I whispered, still not looking at her.

She nodded, still not completely letting go. "Mhmm."

"_Were _there other girls?" I asked her.

"Why do you care, Ellie?" Manny asked me. "Even if there weren't, it doesn't make being with me a lesser crime."

"Not if I don't tell anyone," I insisted.

Manny sighed, with a half-smile. "Finally."

My refusal to tell wasn't an act of rebellion, or something I did to impress Manny. It was basically what determined whether or not I'd be able to live with myself. What would Marco say if he thought I had done this, with the girl who said those things about him? What would _Ashley _say? I didn't even want to think about it. I had to keep my mind completely blank; to avoid the rush of mixed feelings going through me.

Every feeling that I get 

_But I haven't missed you yet_

"So, what are you going to do now?" Manny asked me.

I didn't want to answer.

Only when I stop to think about it I hate everything about you Why do I love you? 

I couldn't believe I had let this happen. I had basically allowed myself to become just as disgusting as the people I despised. Paige wasn't fake, and Hazel wasn't the girl who blindly let other people sway her. Ashley wasn't desperate, and Marco wasn't 'confused.' Because now, I was the one who owned every negative label I had applied to my friends. And I wanted it to be over.

I hate everything about you 

_Why do I love you?_

For the next few days, Manny and I didn't speak. I supposed that having lost your virginity to someone over the weekend didn't give you an excuse to talk to them the following Monday. But I didn't even need to talk to Manny to know that something was definitely wrong.

For starters, I had only been at school for about ten minutes on Monday morning, before Ashley was at my locker, looking like she was ready to kill me. "What's up?" I asked, attempting to sound casual as I stuffed six books into my locker.

"Craig told me what happened," Ashley snapped. "And I'm just glad _you're _happy, because that's all that matters."

With that, she left, giving me no chance to respond. I didn't think I would have been capable of responding if Ashley had stood there for an entire _day_, waiting for a reply. _Craig_? Manny told _Craig_? _Why_? Why did Craig need to know what happened? And why the hell did I _let _it happen.

"I can't believe you!" Marco shouted. "I thought she was a slut, but you're no better."

My alarm clock clamored, and I realized that Monday hadn't even started, and that I might have been was to endure the dream again, for real this time.

The dream was slightly wrong. No one was shouting at me, accusing me of anything, or even _looking _at me, for that matter. But I knew by the way Manny occasionally stared at me, and quickly looked away; the way she looked at me, and the way she didn't; the way she _didn't _talk to me, and the way she didn't want to know how I was, that it had definitely happened. This was definitely real. I had just given myself to someone, just to make her all the more satisfied to throw me away.

Only when I stop to think about you, I know 

_Only when you stop to think about me, do you know_

So, I had to evaluate what I had done. While I was ignoring my math lesson, I began to analyze everything. I had a love-hate interest in Manny, and I didn't think there was any way I could stop her from controlling me. I had just let her do this to me, and now I was basically nothing to her, as I always had been. I had always tried to cut myself more, or push myself deeper, but I always ended up in the same place. Sitting around, waiting for something decent that would never come.

I hate everything about you 

_Why do I love you?_

When I was little, I had always been unhappy in school. People teased me for not being like everyone else, and my classes were dull and tedious. Home was my sanctity away from school. Then, as I got older, the roles reversed. Now there was no place for me to go that didn't all seem the same. I needed to figure out what I was going to do, and I needed to get away from the constant ticking of the clock, and the hushed murmurs in the back of the room. But where was I going to go?

Desperately, I pulled a piece of notebook paper out of my binder, and attempted something I had done many times. After the date, I wrote, _Please excuse Ellie Nash from blocks 6-8. She has a dentist appointment, and I probably won't be able to bring her back in time for the end of 8th block. Thank you._

I signed my mother's name, and took it to the office on my way out. I wasn't exactly sure where I was going to go once I got out of school, but it had to be somewhere I could think for a while.

You hate everything about me 

_Why do you love me?_

I remembered hearing about a place from Marco, where LGBT teens could go to get support. The only problem was that I wasn't even sure if I fit that criterion. And if I had ever thought about it for long enough, I would have known that my confusion was one thing I couldn't blame on Manny.

I hate 

_You hate_

_I hate _

_You love me_

_I hate everything about you_

_Why do I love you?_


	9. Speak

"Marco," I said softly into the payphone.

"Ellie?" he responded. "Where are you?"

I shook my head, even though he couldn't see me. "Not important. Look, can you meet me after school someplace? I really need to talk to someone."

"O…kay. How about the Dot?" he asked me. "Is everything alright?"

I sighed. "Yeah, I'm okay. Do you think we could go someplace a bit more…"

I knew he would figure out that the situation required a talk that couldn't be achieved at a popular teen hangout. "Ellie? You haven't been cutting again, have you?" he asked me.

_Again_? As if I'd stopped. I was experiencing irony, and I hadn't even stayed for English. "No," I lied. "It's something else. I don't know how to tell you, but I need to get it out."

"Where do you want to meet me?" Marco asked. "Your place? My place?"

"How about the park?" I suggested.

"Where at the park?" Marco asked.

I explained.

Great. Returning me to the scene of one of my many make out sessions with Manny. Wow. Symbolism _and _irony. I should have become a teacher.

I set the phone back on the hook, and waited for school to end. Waiting for school to be over was strange when I wasn't attending. It was like waiting to lose Manny, when I had never really had her. _How could I have gone that far with her_? Even if she had been a guy, it still would have been wrong. I shook my head. When did _I _become an icon of morality? Perhaps I shouldn't have gone that far with someone like Manny, but how much better was it to cut? At this point, I couldn't really worry about maintaining my purity.

When the time finally came, and Marco found me, an extreme sense of awkwardness filled my body. I was about to tell my ex-boyfriend; in the exact spot where I had kissed Manny that he wasn't the only one who switched sides. "Hey, Elle," he asked coolly. "Is everything okay?"

"Let's walk," I suggested.

Marco didn't seem reluctant to oblige. He seemed so casual and open, that it shouldn't have been hard to talk to him. But somehow, it was the most difficult thing I had ever done.

"I don't know how you're going to take this, and I don't blame you if you completely hate me," I began.

"If you're that nervous about telling me, obviously it's something you _need_ to talk about," Marco reasoned. "You're my friend, Elle. I'm not going to judge you. And, believe me. Whatever it is, I'm sure I've heard worse."

I laughed lightly. "Once I tell you, we'll see if that's still true."

"Go ahead," Marco said gently.

"Remember when you told me that Manny had been with a few girls on the side?" I asked him.

Marco nodded. "Yeah," he said, with a slight tremor in his voice.

"Well, you see…" I hesitated. "I'm one of them," I said, almost inaudibly.

"_What_?" Marco asked, stopping in his tracks.

_God, no! Don't make me say it again! _"One of those girls was me," I repeated.

"You…you're kidding," Marco gasped. "I mean…no, don't think…how did it happen?"

_Great_, I thought. _Even my gay best friend doesn't understand. Now what_? "She got drunk at a party and kissed me," I admitted, bowing my head in shame. "Then she kept calling me and telling me this stuff about how we needed each other, because the world had given up on both of us, or something like that. Basically, she told me whatever I needed to hear, got what she wanted from me, and now can care less if I live or die."

"Oh," Marco winced. "Does Spin know?"

I turned to face him directly. "She left _me _for _Spinner_. Not the other way around," I said hotly.

"_Oh_," Marco repeated.

"Yeah. And she told me they were over, and then…"

I became a bit frustrated, but tried not to let it show. There was more at stake than Spinner's relationship.

"Geez…I'm sorry, Elle. You don't need her," Marco insisted. "And I'm not just saying that because I don't like her."

"I'm sorry too," I sighed. "The whole thing started before she started picking on you, and after…it was like…I didn't know what to do. I mean, she had her issues, but everything she told me was true. I really did need someone, I suppose."

"Everything except the part about leaving Spinner," Marco informed me.

I drew in a sharp breath. "_What_?" I demanded.

"Oh, God," Marco sighed. "Ellie. I'm sorry."

"No," I said, stretching my rubber band as far as I could before releasing it. "It's okay."

"No it's not," Marco insisted. "You could have talked to me about this, you know. I wouldn't have let her manipulate you like that."

"Yeah," I said sarcastically. "If you were a chick, and Manny was your secret lesbian lover, would you ask your friends for advice?"

Marco considered this. "I would call Ashley," he joked.

"Exactly," I said flatly.

Marco laughed lightly, but the conversation soon took another turn. "So…do you think you're _gay_?" Marco asked.

"I don't know," I admitted. "I mean, I really did like you, and I really liked Sean, but I also really liked Manny."

"Maybe you're bi," Marco suggested.

I shrugged. "It's just…I don't see myself as part of that, you know? I mean…I'm straight…but sometimes…"

"You like girls," Marco offered.

"Yeah."

"There's a meeting at that LGBTQ place I was talking about tomorrow from six to eight. Maybe you could come with me," Marco suggested.

I didn't know what to say. "But… I don't really know what I am," I told him. "Or if I even belong there."

"That's what the Q stands for," he said simply. "You don't have to come with me tomorrow," he said. "You can wait as long as you need to. Don't rush yourself, okay?"

I nodded, and snapped the rubber band again. "Thanks for not judging me," I told him.

"Since I just despise gay people," Marco said, his voice dripping with cynicism.

"And can you promise me you won't tell Spin?" I pleaded. "I know he's your friend, but…"

"If he doesn't know that Manny cheats by now, I don't think anything _I _say will make much difference," Marco said matter-of-factly.

Marco had a point.


	10. Silence

A/N: This chapter contains the song "Missing" by Evanescence. I don't own it.

'I don't care.'

'I don't care.'

'I don't care.'

'I don't care.'

It had become my mantra. Constantly, I would repeat it to myself. I repeated it every time I fell asleep, and woke up to find that nothing had improved. I repeated it every time I saw her kiss Spinner in the halls. I repeated it every time I heard Ashley squeal about how not even a skank like her could take away Craig. And I repeated it when she would pass, almost look at me, and decisively look away. It was as if she almost wanted to say something to me, but decided against it in the last few seconds. I would see her talk flirtatiously with just about every kind of person, and I wanted to scream at them to wake up. I repeated it as I saw her whispering a compliment to Darcy, who had no idea what was behind Manny's constant need to remind her how nice she looked.

'I don't care.'

Perhaps the scars that ran up and down my arms weren't quite evidence, but any evidence that steered away from the idea that I hated Manny needed to be destroyed. Every night, I would lock myself in my bathroom, turn on the shower, and sink the razor into my skin. I couldn't feel anything, but I still felt some sort of connection with it. I would lash out at myself for a few minutes at a time, and my mind would blank until it was over. But once I set the razor down, and rinsed off the blood, everything would fall back into place within seconds. It was a poor attempt at an escape, but I was willing to take any comfort I could get.

I put on my pajamas, and took my routine trip downstairs just to make sure my mother had eaten. If she were asleep, I would bring her a blanket, or set something out on the counter, in case she woke up. A twinge of guilt flowed through my body, as I began to hope that she was asleep. Not that I liked seeing her wasted, but she was becoming more and more difficult to deal with. And every time she got drunk, the situation worsened.

"You were home awfully late today," she griped.

She was sitting on the couch, ignoring a soap opera as she ate leftover Chinese takeout.

"Yeah…I'm sorry," I said hesitantly. "I had to stay after school to finish a project for Media Immersion."

She nodded. "Oh, well. I understand. The last thing you'd want to do would be to call your mother, to actually _let _her know what's going on in your life." She set her food down on the coffee table, and turned to face me. "An entire week goes by, and I don't see you! You go _wherever _you want _whenever _you want, and I don't even get so much as a '_hello_.' I'm beginning to wonder if I'm the only one who lives here."

A burning sensation nagged at my eyes, and my body began to shake lividly. I clenched my hands together, and looked away from her, to avoid falling into uncontrollable rage. "Oh, I'm sorry, Mom. I was under the false impression that you spend half your time wasted, and half your time in a drunken rage. And I'm sorry you feel like you're the only one who lives here. But if you keep this up, you will be."

I knew I was asking for it, but I didn't care. Her eyes were like ice as she stood up, and approached me. "You don't talk to me like that, Eleanor. _I'm _working damn hard to keep stable, and you know it!"

"Yeah?" I asked. "Well, so I am I."

I pulled up my sleeve, and revealed my scars. She could send me to a mental institute. She could get angry. Maybe I'd get taken away from her. But it wasn't like she would remember any of this by tomorrow.

Her face softened, followed by an expression of exemplified horror. "Ellie?" she shrieked, bringing her hands up to her face. "Oh, baby, _no_! No! Baby…"

I walked over to the couch and picked up an empty beer bottle. "Now you know how I feel when I come home, everyday, to see you doing this. We can't keep living like this. You drinking. Me cutting. Dad wouldn't want it. And I don't want it either."

My mother was back on the couch, overcome with tears. Before she could say another word, her body went limp, her eyes closed, and she collapsed onto the couch.

I felt my feet move, under me, but I had no idea where I was going. My body dragged itself into my bathroom, where I made a large cut into my wrist. I hardly knew what I was doing, just that I was going away. Someplace I would never have to hear my mother's yell again. Where the only person who cared about me wouldn't be a slut who was only nice to me because she wanted to get into my pants. Maybe I'd miss Marco. And Dad. But it wasn't as if they were there to begin with.

Please, please, forgive me 

_But I won't be home again_

It almost became entertaining, sitting on my bathroom floor, pulling the razor up and down my arm. For the first time in my life, I couldn't feel anything the razor did. I was completely numb, and it was somehow hilarious. I was suddenly laughing uncontrollably, and the inappropriateness of the situation made it even funnier.

Pictures flowed through my mind, of my mother finding me here, a month later. She would yell at me, for leaving blood on the floor. Then she'd fall asleep and forget I was even dead.

Maybe someday you'll look up 

_And barely conscious, you'll say to no one_

_Isn't something missing?_

I thought about Manny, wearing a dark blue, shimmering prom dress, and walking alongside Spinner. No. The dress would be short and sexy, a deep red color. He would buy her flowers, rent a tux, meet her parents, and find a way to rent a nice hotel room…

_He would do everything I couldn't. _And there was no chance that, for even a second, while she shared her life with Spinner, and other beings with Y-chromosomes, she would ever think about me. I would never be good enough to tell her friends about. I would never be good enough to keep for more than a night when homework started to lose its appeal. I was nothing.

You won't cry for my absence, I know 

_You forgot me long ago_

_Am I that unimportant?_

_Am I so insignificant?_

As the blood continued to flow, I started to feel as if I were falling asleep, and watching a movie. Marco was standing in front of a house I had never seen before. Only it wasn't the Marco I knew. He was older, probably in his mid thirties, and was holding hands with Dylan. They shared a kiss, and the scene was replaced with Ashley, crying into a pillow. She was defiantly older, but not as old as Marco had been.

"You were the one to propose!" Ashley protested angrily, throwing herself onto the couch.

"I want my youth back," Craig said angrily.

Before I had time to take in what they were saying, they disappeared, and Manny was standing beside a man I had never seen, at the wedding altar. The church was suddenly redecorated, and a coffin was carried in through the back.

Isn't something missing 

_Isn't someone missing me?_

A crowd of people who never noticed me, alive, crowded around the coffin, in tears. "I didn't know she'd take it this far," Paige told Ashley. "I would've done something. I mean…more than just leaving it up to Ms. Suave."

"It's not your fault, Paige," Ashley told her, putting her arms around her friend.

My eyes slowly began to open, and a sharp, raw pain filled my body. I was dying. Bleeding to death. I had no idea how long it would take, or how much longer I would have to hurt. But, surprisingly, I didn't care.

Even though I'm the sacrifice 

My mind searched for a comforting image. Consciously, I was too weak to need anyone, but when I was in between life and death, the layers of my consciousness weren't quite separated.

"Mommy," I said, clutching a teddy bear. "I don't feel good."

She was younger then, and sober. She reached out a hand, to touch my forehead. "Ellie, you're forehead is burning. I'm goanna go make you some tea. You just get into bed, and I'll be right there."

I was lying on the sidewalk, hysterical with tears, as Daddy pulled the bicycle off my limp body. I continued to cry as he helped me up, and led me inside. "Oh, boy," he winced. "That's a nasty scrape. We'll have to clean it up so it won't get infected. You sit down here, and wait. I'll be right there."

You won't try for me, not now 

"I didn't do it to hurt you, you know," Paige said reluctantly. "I'm worried about you."

I nodded. "I know. I just really don't want to talk about it."

"Maybe I am a slut," Manny whispered, running her fingers through my hair. "And maybe you're a cutter. But who else is going to listen to either of us? That's why we should be together. We're so imperfect, we're almost perfect."

My eyes slowly opened, once again, and no one was there. I was still sitting here, on cold tile, waiting for my life force to run out.

Though I'd die to know you love me 

_I'm all alone_

_Isn't someone missing me?_

"You can't die, Ellie," a voice whispered. "You can't die."

Tears sprang from my eyes, and I fought, with every ounce of strength remaining in me, to lift my arm far enough to open the cabinet, and search for a bandage.

Fuck.

Having no other ideas, I pulled my towel off its rack, and began trying to tear it with my razor. The material was touch, and didn't easily give. Eventually, I somehow managed to make enough holes to tear the towel apart, and wrap its pieces around my wrists. I pushed my wrists together, trying to apply pressure to the wounds.

"Goodbye, Ellie Nash."

A sudden wave of dizziness passed through me, and I fell asleep on the bathroom floor.

Waking up was one of the most disturbing experiences of my life. For one, I had blood smeared on my body and clothes. My arms were wrapped in towels, to keep me from bleeding to death. Worst of all, I had no idea how long I had been lying there, or how much longer I would stay. It was supposed to be over, but instead I was lying on my bathroom floor, covered in blood.

Without removing my clothes, I crawled into the shower and turned the water on, much hotter than I liked it. I was still seated, almost afraid of what might happen if I tried to stand. In disgust, I peeled the wet, filthy clothing off my body, being careful to maneuver my shirt around the towel bandages. After all that had happened, why was I alive?

I decided to test my strength, and slowly pull myself up, to stand. The water continued to beat on my reddening skin as I stood. None of this made sense. How was I able to stand after nearly dying the previous night?

Curiously, I looked at my bandages to find that the blood had not come through to the other side. Upon unwrapping them, I found two; average sized cuts, deep enough to hurt, but not enough to be fatal. I had basically scratched myself, and my mind had exaggerated it into a suicide attempt.

Angrily, I tossed the bandages on the bathroom floor, and turned up the "hot" dial on the faucet. After failing at everything…from keeping my family together, to staying stable, to being everything I wanted to be, to having a normal relationship, I couldn't even kill myself properly.

Please, please forgive me 

_But I won't be home again_

This was what it had come to. My body was covered with scars that might be with me for the rest of my life. And, considering my luck, it was likely to drag on for a long time.

Feeling too defeated to think; I opened my mouth to scream. I shivered, as if I were crying, but no tears came out. I was standing there, screaming without making a sound, and crying dry tears. These tiny, shallow cuts wouldn't have even pricked me a few weeks ago. Now, suddenly, they were the end of the world.

_I know what you do to yourself_

_I breathe deep and cry out_

_Isn't something missing?_

_Isn't someone missing me?_

"Eleanor!" a voice shouted from the bottom of the stairs. "Are you dressed?"

I winced at the unknowing cruelty of the situation. _Sorry, Mom. My clothes are covered in blood. It's because…oh, did I mention I'm a cutter? Maybe I did…but I doubt you remember considering you got wasted off your ass last night._

"I…" I hesitated, trying to find the right words. "I'm coming."

Throwing a towel over my naked, torn skin, I opened the door just far enough to make sure the coast was clear. Even in the towel, my mother would still see the scars she had probably forgotten existed.

_Why did you think she'd help you_? I wondered, as I entered my room in search of a clean set of clothes. To think I honestly believed that telling my mother I was cutting would make everything okay. That she would call someone who could help me recover. Despite myself, I laughed.

Even though I'm the sacrifice You won't try for me, not now 

"Shit," I whispered angrily, searching my closet for a pair of pants. None of my pleated skirts from last year would cover the scars on my legs. Feeling desperate, I pulled on a pair of blue jeans and a big blue sweater I only wore during family visits that involved my grandmother. People could say what they wanted. They didn't affect me anymore.

Though I'd die to know you love me 

_I'm all alone_

_Isn't someone missing me?_

"Bye Mom," I whispered, as I began to walk out the door.

I wasn't quite sure if she heard me, but I didn't really care.

Ashley confronted me at my locker, with a questioning look on her face. "What happened to you yesterday?" she demanded.

My muscles tensed as I pulled my Algebra book out of my locker.

"Don't bother, Ellie. You don't _have _Algebra today. That was _yesterday_," she said sharply.

"_O_-kay, I forgot," I said defensively. "Call the police."

Ashley crossed her arms, and ignored the statement. "Where were you last night? We all tried to call you about six times each."

"I'm _sorry_ for being out," I said angrily, replacing my Algebra book with my English text. "I didn't realize it offended you."

"You weren't out, Ellie," Ashley said. "I don't know _what's _going on with you lately, but it's starting to bother me. You don't do your homework, you don't come to school…you don't talk to any of your friends, and for the past month I think the only person I've seen you talk to more than once is Manny."

My heart stopped, and the tension between Ashley and me was thick enough to cut with a knife. "What are you saying?" I demanded.

"I'm _saying _that something's going on. And, as your best friend, I think I should know what it is," Ashley said angrily.

I slammed my locker door shut, and stared into her eyes. "What if I _have _been hanging out with Manny? That would be an awful thing to do to my best friend, wouldn't it? Since she didn't forget I existed as soon as Paige was willing to take her back, then come crying to me when Craig dumped her, only to blow me off again as soon as he got over Manny and she didn't have anything to cry to me about."

Ashley stared at me, incredulously, for a few moments before speaking. "That's a horrible thing to say, Ellie. _I _was your friend when…"

"No one else would be?" I guessed. "That's funny. I was kind of under the impression that you became _my _friend because you let Paige talk you into trying X and your friends didn't like you anymore. At least I don't change my friends with my wardrobe, and become a different person whenever it's convenient for me."

Ashley gave me a once over. "Your outfit would beg to differ."

"_That's _what's important, isn't it?" I asked her. "I'm wearing blue, so that discredits everything I say."

I started to walk away. "Ellie, that's not what I said."

It didn't matter. I was done listening.

The thought of English class still bared an uncomfortable weight in my mind. I made up my mind to skip, but came to regret it as soon as the bell rang, and I found myself wandering the halls alone. As it stood, Manny had no use for me, I had basically lost Ashley as a friend, and my mother continued to lay motionless on the couch, too wasted to remember that her own daughter was tearing herself apart. Sitting on the ground, beside the vending machines, I started to think about what Marco had said. If I couldn't die, I might as well try to fix whatever was left of myself.

And if I bleed I'll bleed Knowing you don't care 

I stared at the wall for about an hour before I heard another human voice. It was almost relaxing, avoiding people at all costs, and, with each bell, finding a new place to hide. It was much more bearable than going to my classes. Fourth block, I moved my hiding place to the bathroom, where I figured I would have little company. Unfortunately, I had been so content just to stand still, and wallow my numbing agony, that I forgot about lunch.

"Funny to see you here," a girl's voice said. "Isn't this where all the problems started?"

I sighed deeply, wishing I had succeeded in my suicide attempt. "What the Hell do you want, Manny?" I demanded.

"It's a _bathroom_, Ellie," she said, standing in front of the mirror and pulling her dark hair back into a scrunchi. "I have a right to be here. But I'd get out if I were you. I think this one's reserved for _girls_."

"You're the one who kissed me," I said softly. "Don't forget that."

I stepped out of the bathroom, wondering how I could ever have found her attractive. Moreover, I wondered how a part of me still did.

And if I sleep just to dream of you, I'll wake without you there Isn't something missing 

_Isn't someone missing me?_

Gritting my teeth, I pulled my phone out of my purse and called Marco. "Hey, Ellie," he said, obviously recognizing his caller ID. "Why are you _calling _me? It's lunchtime, you could just come talk to me in person if you wanted."

"It's about that LGBTQ thing. Count me in," I said definitely. "No matter how cruelly I beg to cancel. Count me in."

"I'm glad, Ellie," Marco said. "I think it'd do you some good."

"I'll be at your house around six," I told him. "If that's okay."

"Sounds great," Marco said. "You know…no matter what happens, it'll be okay. Trust me."

I smiled ironically. How was it that he could say exactly the right things, without me being immediately reassured? From my previous failures, it was becoming harder for me to trust people, no matter how sincere they seemed. I supposed if I was that wary of other people, the only person left to trust was myself.

Even though I'm the sacrifice You won't try for me, not now 

_Though I'd die to know you love me_

As I started to walk toward the cafeteria, I could feel my jeans rub against my freshly made scars.

_Great plan, Ellie_, I thought. If I were the last person I could trust…it was doubtful that anything would go right again. But perhaps it didn't need to be right…just as close as I could get.

_I'm all alone_

_Isn't something missing_

_Isn't someone missing me?_


	11. Club

I wasn't quite sure what I expected when I walked through the doors, alongside Marco, but it definitely wasn't what I saw. Kids were sitting in a circle of comfy chairs, drinking sodas and eating chips with two adults in the room to sponsor. One or two boys looked like the stereotype of gay, another looked about the same as any other guy, with the exception of a rainbow belt around his waist, and there was one girl with short spiked hair. The rest of the kids didn't "look" gay by any means. They looked about as different as I did. Unfortunately, this didn't make me feel much better.

The woman sitting in the far corner of the room gave me a warm smile. "We're always glad to have new faces. What's your name?"

My throat went dry. Thankfully, Marco filled in for me. "This is my friend, Ellie."

"What's up?" the girl with the spiky hair said.

"I'm David," the boy with the rainbow belt said.

"Why don't you two take a seat?" the woman said. "And we'll begin our meeting."

I took a seat beside Marco, as if hoping that he would protect me. I had been at home while my mother was dangerously drunk, and lying in the bathtub, drenched in my own blood, but somehow this was one of the scariest places I had ever been.

"Why don't we start by telling Ellie a little bit about what we do here?" the sponsor suggested.

She motioned toward a girl with long, blond hair and chestnut eyes who was sitting beside her. "I'm Sandi, and I'm one of the senior members of this group. I'm a sophomore in college, and I'm basically here to talk to anyone who needs to talk. We don't judge anyone who comes here, and while we encourage people to share their stories, we won't force anyone to tell us their sexual orientation. We won't make any assumptions just because you're here, but we do discuss different issues that go along with falling into any of those categories."

"You picked a good day to come here, because today we're going to talk about coming out. What many people miss is that you need to fully come out to yourself before you can come out to others. Sandi, would you like to lead the discussion?" the sponsor asked.

"I found out I was gay a few years ago, I think I was in grade ten. I had been dating a guy named Jeff, for about two months, and he was starting to lose interest in me, because I had never really gotten comfortable with him," Sandi explained. "I didn't really want to hold hands, or hug, or any of that. So…when he tried to kiss me, you can imagine how _that _went. Anyway, I felt like I was attracted to guys, but I was always really uncomfortable around them. I kept telling myself that I had tricked myself into liking girls because I was terrified of guys, but eventually I realized that I hadn't gone back. It had been about a year since Jeff and I broke up, but I still hadn't really come to terms with _why_."

Apparently, whoever wanted to share a story could chime in at any time. "I kissed a girl at a party," one girl confessed. "We were playing truth or dare, and I had to kiss this girl I hardly knew. I didn't really enjoy it, but I got curious about the whole thing and started dating girls. It was kind of a weird situation, because my first female kiss was horrible, but I still ended up bisexual."

I raised my hand. "You don't have to raise your hand," Sandi told me. "Just speak."

I nodded uncomfortably. "I was at a party with my boyfriend, and this girl got drunk and kissed me. I started having problems with my boyfriend, and the more he wasn't there, the more she was. She would always use that to keep me interested, telling me that at least she was _someone_…and that we needed each other because no one else cared. I guess it sounds pretty stupid, looking back on it, but we ended up having a closet relationship after my boyfriend left me, and it turned out she was cheating on me with God knows how many people the whole time. She was the only girl I was ever involved with, and I'm extremely confused."

"You're not stupid," the girl with the spiky hair said. "You just got manipulated. Happens all the time."

"We can't tell you if you're gay or bi," Sandi said. "But you'd have to take a closer look at why you and your boyfriend were having problems, and why you were willing to have a relationship with this girl. It's a complicated thing to figure out…but believe me when I say that you're better off losing friends, and having a parent mad at you, than being in a long-term relationship with someone you don't want to be with."

I sighed. "I doubt my mother would notice, to tell you the truth."

I felt a bit awkward at how easily I was opening up with complete strangers. None of them knew me, but they were still eager to give me advice.

"There are also times when straight people get crushes on people of the same gender just because they like the _person_," the boy with the rainbow belt said.

"That was what happened with me," a girl chimed in. "I kissed a girl during spin the bottle, and we ended up dating for eight months. Apparently, she liked being adored a lot more than she liked me. It was pretty awful."

"I'm sorry," I said, snapping my rubber band against my arm. "I think my ex-girlfriend liked screwing with people's minds more than she liked me."

After the first meeting, the support group became a part of my weekly schedule. The third time I went, Sandi made an interesting announcement.

"Every Saturday, from six p.m. to one a.m., we're going to open this place up as a hangout for gay teens. You don't have to be gay to come, but it's basically a place for LGBTQ teens, and their supporters to meet people of like mind. Since you were all here today, you each get one free pass."

She handed out rainbow colored flyers for the event. The meeting was adjourned, and Marco immediately asked my opinion. "You think we should go?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I mean…it sounds like fun and all, but…"

"Tell your mom you're hanging out with me," Marco suggested. "It won't be a complete lie."

I smiled. "Marco, you rock."


	12. Saturday

When Saturday finally came, I almost considered calling Marco and canceling. Every article of clothing from my closet and drawers had been tossed either on the floor or on the bed. My red hair hung in tangled clumps, halfway inside the two bands that would hold it into braids. After ten minutes of trying to eliminate the frizz, I threw my brush across the room, letting it fall obscurely into a pile of clothes. Feeling defeated, I stepped in front of the mirror and examined myself. I hated my hair. I hated all my clothes as well. As I slid out of the old t-shirt I had decided against, I realized that I hated my body as well. My parents had always told me that I was beautiful, but if that were true, someone other than the school slut would want me. Angrily, I threw myself onto my bed, and tried to stop thinking.

My alarm buzzed, indicating that Marco was coming in about thirty minutes. Meaning that there would be no possible way for me to escape. I sighed, and settled for a green plaid skirt over tight black jeans and a black shirt with armbands to hide my scars. I decided not to braid my hair, and let it hang loose, with the remnant waves that remained shortly after hair was braided.

While I was waiting for Marco, I started to think about my parents. My mother would never know what I was doing, but how would my father feel? What would happen when he came home to a wife who was too drunk to remember his name and a daughter who had sex with the school slut? I didn't want to think of Manny, the only person who seemed to care about me that way, but every time I tried to account for her flaws in my mind, I would only fall farther behind on the road to forgetting our relationship ever happened.

Once I realized that my appearance wasn't going to improve much in the few minutes I had left, I reluctantly walked outside and sat on the porch, waiting for Marco. The air was slightly chilly, but I didn't feel like going back inside for a jacket. I sighed lightly, trying not to think. I hoped that Marco would take a long time, so I could postpone dealing with what I was about to do.

Marco arrived sooner than I would have liked. "You look like you're ready to die," Marco commented.

"Thank you," I said cynically, standing up and smoothing out my skirt. I stepped down from the porch, and we started to walk. "I _feel _worse than I look, actually."

An obnoxious song started playing in Marco's pocket, and he quickly pulled out the small silver phone. "Hello? Oh, hi, Dylan. Are you coming tonight? Okay. Great. See you there. Bye."

He folded his phone and slipped it into the pocket of his jeans. "You're back with Dylan?" I asked hopefully, glad to get the topic away from my grungy appearance.

Marco shrugged. "Uh…ish. I wouldn't say we're officially a _couple _again, but things are looking pretty good."

"Oh," I said, looking down for a moment. "That's great."

Marco sighed. "You're _not _too messed up to get someone to like you."

"Thank you, doctor," I said defensively. "But…as of now it's starting to look that way."

"_I _liked you," Marco offered.

"Before you found out you were gay," I finished.

Marco laughed lightly. "It's ironic, don't you think?"

I nodded. "A year or so ago we were going to the movies on a date. Now we're going to a lesbigay club together. Hilarious."

"Did you ever think about it?" Marco asked. "I mean…before Manny?"

"What?" I asked. "Being gay?" I sighed, and slid my hands into my pockets, hoping to keep them away from the rubber band around my wrist. "I don't know. I guess so…but I mean, who doesn't? I guess I just never knew that there was something abnormal about it before. I always thought I was comparing myself to other girls, you know? Like, I wanted to _be _them. But, apparently I want to date them too."

Marco nodded. "No, that makes sense. I just always thought that being nervous around girls meant that I was attracted to them. But then it got to the point where it wouldn't stop."

I nodded. "No wonder our first kiss sucked. We're both gay."

Marco shook his head, trying to make me feel better. "It didn't _suck_, Ellie…"

"Okay," I smiled. "That's about the only thing it _didn't _do."

"What about Sean, though?" he asked me. "Ever thought about going back with him?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I miss him a lot, in a way, but I don't think I could have things be the way they were. I can't exactly walk over to his house and say, 'Hi, Sean. Sorry I was blowing you off for about three months before we broke up, but I was questioning my sexuality, and then I had sex with a girl. What's new? Have anything in your fridge?'"

Marco shuddered. "I still can't believe you had sex with Manny."

"I can't either," I admitted. "I mean, I was there and everything, but it almost feels like I had a really fd up dream about it, and it didn't really happen."

"I can see that," Marco said. "Before I moved here, I had an unofficial boyfriend named Kyle. He was completely in the closet, and so was I. One day, he came over to my house and he kissed me. But even while it was happening, it was like it wasn't. Does that make sense?"

I nodded. "You had a boyfriend before you dated me?"

Marco nodded nervously. "I would have told you, but I didn't know how. I just wanted to be normal again."

"I couldn't agree more," I told him.

When we reached the building, I discovered myself trying to use Marco as protection. I was standing beside him, hoping that everyone would assume we were together, and I wouldn't be bothered. For a moment, it felt the way it had when we were "pretending" before he came out to his friends. Then I realized that, no matter _what _I acted like, no one was going to believe that we were there together. As soon as I entered the building, everything that I tried to pretend didn't happen with Manny would become real.

"It'll be okay," Marco promised me.

The room the event would be in was set up a bit like a middle school dance. The lights rapidly changed colors, and there were tables on the outer edges of the room holding food. It took me a few minutes to realize that the lights were rainbow colored, to fit the theme.

"I wonder when Dylan's getting here," Marco commented lightly. I realized that, as soon as Dylan came, I would be the third wheel. Marco turned around. "There he is! I'll be right back."

I nodded, knowing that "right back" became null and void as soon as a boyfriend or girlfriend was involved. I decided that the best way to appear inconspicuous was to head for the chips. As I walked, I began to scan the room for people I could potentially talk to. Some of the people were paired up, but I noticed that a lot of them were just hanging out with friends. As I picked up a rainbow colored plate, and got myself a handful of chips, I noticed someone familiar at the table.

"Darcy?" I asked.

The girl looked shocked to see me. "Ellie? What are you doing here?"

My muscles tensed, and I hoped there was some way I could get out of the conversation. "Um…Marco brought me," I said lamely.

She nodded. "I'm sorry. I'm not usually that nosy. I didn't realize you were into this scene."

_This scene_? Is that what they were calling it? "Um…I'm not really," I said awkwardly. "I've only been to a few meetings. This is my first time here."

Darcy nodded. "Can I tell you something, but you have to promise not to tell anyone else?" she asked, taking a Sprite from the table.

I nodded. "Sure."

"Well…" Darcy hesitated. "I'm bi."

I smiled. "Well, it's not exactly a horrible confession, considering you're _here_ and everything. I'm not actually sure what I am."

"I'm here with a friend, but I'm not sure where she went," Darcy said. "So I guess I could just hang out with you."

I nodded. "Sure. My _friend _looks fairly occupied," I said, motioning toward Marco and Dylan.

"Is that his boyfriend?" Darcy asked.

I remembered that Dylan was before Darcy's time at Degrassi. "Kind of. Well, they broke up a while back, but they seem to be getting back together."

"They seem really happy together," Darcy commented.

I nodded. "I used to date him, actually, before he came out."

"Marco?" she asked. "Wow. You know, I can't see that."

I shrugged. "Well, it happened."

"Hey," she said, taking a sip of her Sprite. "Weren't you going out with that one guy, Sean?"

I nodded. "I did, but then…things didn't work out," I said hastily.

I wondered, for a moment, why I was being so social. Darcy was one of those people who made it difficult for anyone, myself included, to feel awkward.

"How come I've never talked to you before?" Darcy asked me. "I guess I never thought we'd have anything in common."

I shrugged. "Pretty weird thing to have in common, don't you think?"

"Well, I guess so," she considered. "But all this stuff isn't as rare as you think it is. You'd be surprised at the people you find out about when you come out as something."

I nodded. "I know all about that. Believe me."

Darcy shifted her focus, away from me. "Oh, _there's _Manny. I was wondering where she went."

"Wait," I said, feeling a light shiver up my spine. "You're here with _Manny_?"

Darcy gasped. "Not like a date or anything. Well, just…please don't tell anyone. She likes to keep it quiet around school."

"I know," I said sharply.

Manny motioned for Darcy to return to her side, and, despite their status as friends, gave her a quick peck on the lips. I jumped lightly as they did; feeling like something inside of me was slowly preparing to die.

_No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. _My head was spinning with a thousand confusing ideas.

_**You don't like Manny anymore. **_

_Then why does it hurt so much?_

_**Manny's still with Spinner. **_

_Why is she willing to take Darcy out, but not you?_

_**Who are you upset about?** _

_Manny or Darcy?_

_**Come on. You only talked to Darcy for a minute. She doesn't owe you anything.**_

_But Manny does._

_**For what? Making you cry?**_

I didn't cry right away. Instead, I diverted my attention from the two girls, and tried to empty my mind. I would find Marco, and talk to him, like nothing was wrong.

"Ellie, what's wrong?" Marco asked me.

_Great plan_. "Nothing," I sighed. "Manny's here with Darcy."

"Manny?" Dylan gasped. "Manny Santos? J.T.'s girlfriend?"

"Long story," I told him.

"Oh my God. I can't believe she'd do that to you. To Spin too," Marco said nervously.

"Wait," Dylan said. "What's going on?"

"I'll be right back," I told them.

I realized, after a few seconds, that I was headed toward the bathroom. I didn't really have to go, I just needed a moment to figure out if _I _knew the answer to the question.


	13. Feelings

Chapter Thirteen 

A/N: AmayzeeDayzee01- I considered using the song you suggested, but I kind of felt like letting this chapter run its course, without using a song. Thanks for the suggestion though

"Ellie," Marco said softly, as I walked out of the bathroom. "Are you okay?"

"Sure," I smiled. "Everything's cool. Why wouldn't I be?'

As soon as the words slipped my mouth, tears began to flood my eyes, pouring out as I blinked.

"Oh, Ellie," Marco said sympathetically. He was probably one of the only guys I had ever met who would pull a girl into his arms, and let her cry onto his shoulder. It didn't help me much to think about how things would have been different if he hadn't come out as gay.

Dylan approached with an awkward expression, unsure of the right thing to do. He glanced briefly at me, considering what advice he would give if he were going to try. His attention shifted to Marco, who looked equally unsure of how to handle my situation. "We should get her outside," Dylan suggested.

Marco and Dylan asked me if I wanted to leave. "You guys are having fun," I objected. "I don't want to spoil that."

Dylan shook his head. "Come on, Ellie. Let's go."

I blinked, and tried to ignore the wet feeling of tears falling down my cheeks. It would have been so easy to let them take me home. The whole way back, they would try to make me feel better, until I could return to my bathroom, behind a locked door, and add a few more scars to my collection. But then I thought about all the time I had tried to make myself cry, just to have a safer release for what I felt inside. Even if Manny had never felt anything for me, I felt an overwhelming sense of relief, despite all the hurting inside me, at the fact that my feelings were real.

"Wait," I said. Marco turned around. He and his boyfriend stood still, waiting for my explanation. "I can't leave yet," I explained. "I'm going to talk to her, and she's not backing out this time."

Marco's eyes widened. "Are you sure that's a good idea. I mean…with Darcy here and everything."

I nodded. "I can't wait until it's convenient," I said, walking past the bewildered couple. "It never is. She's _always _with someone else. My mother is always too depressed to deal with _my _problems, on top of her own. Ashley's too busy gushing about Craig to deal with my misery. I can't keep waiting for people to make time for me. I'm going to talk to her."

Without waiting for Marco's opinion, I turned around, and headed in Manny's direction. Marco ran after me, hoping that I would stop. "Ellie…"

"Let me do this," I said sternly, looking him directly in the eye. "If I don't, I'm never going to forgive myself."

He withdrew a bit in defeat, and submitted to giving me some space. Finally, I was alone to face Manny.

Manny stood still, with Darcy standing silent beside her. I wondered if Manny had known that I was going to retaliate, and had prepared herself for whatever I had to say. Either way, I was determined to get her alone.

"Hey," I said sharply. "Can I talk to you for a second?" I asked, glaring steadily at my former girlfriend.

"You already are," Manny said innocently.

"_Alone_?" I asked, with a bit more force in my voice.

Before Manny could state an opinion, Darcy fled the scene. I probably would have respected her for staying out of our problems if I hadn't just seen her kiss the girl I was still strangely attracted to.

Manny rolled her eyes. "What do you think you're going to accomplish?" she asked me. "We're over, I can do what I want."

The words pushed a stinging sensation through my chest, which seemed to make it beat a few times faster, but I stood my ground. "We're over," I repeated. "But you and Spinner aren't. And you weren't when we had sex either, were you?"

"Will you _let _it go?" Manny demanded. "My life is my business. Why do you care who I'm cheating on, and who I do it with unless you're trying to get me back?"

"You told me you _couldn't _like men anymore because you had a bad experience with Craig. You told me that you were with me so it wouldn't be about experimenting and bragging rights and how far you could get. I never expected you to take me to prom, Manny. But I did think that maybe, for as long as we lasted, you could at least tell me the truth. I don't care if you still like me or not, but you owe it to Darcy _and _to Spinner to tell the truth."

Manny just shrugged, and said, "It's my life," before walking away.

As she walked away, I tried to take one last look at her, for memories sake. But somehow, I couldn't recognize her. It was as if my mind was completely blocking her out, to avoid accepting the fact that the girl who didn't seem to care about anyone she was with, least of all me, was the girl I had been dreaming and fantasizing about for so long. This was the first time I admitted to myself that I missed her.

_I was sitting down, in a long, white hallway, hoping to finish the last of my math homework before first period. Ashley had been talking nonstop about Craig the entire time Periodically, I nodded or mumbled "uh huh" or "yeah" to at least pretend that I was listening. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Manny walking toward me, arguing with Spinner._

_"I still can't believe you're breaking up with me to be with a girl!" he shouted. "I know you, Manny, and I know you're not gay."_

_Manny simply pushed him aside, and walked over to where I was seated. She was wearing a tight blue, button down blouse. Everything about her, her thick makeup, her soft, flowery perfume, and her sweet, almost childlike voice was so distinctly Manny, it was like being reintroduced to the side of her I used to like._

_"I'm sorry I hurt you, Ellie," she whispered softly. "I love you."_

_She reached out a hand to help me up, and I brushed a strand of soft, wavy dark hair out of her face, exposing her eyes, which I had always thought were beautiful. "I love you too," I breathed, as a tear streamed down my face. "I can't stand not being with you._

_Without saying another word, Manny pressed her lips against mine in one of her kisses that was overpowering with experience, yet nervous enough to be non-threatening. I kissed back, more passionately than I ever had, and held her for what felt like forever. Finally, when we stopped for oxygen, she said, "I was only with Darcy to make you jealous. But you're the only one I want to be with."_

The first few seconds after my eyes opened, I felt light and happy, as if I had been floating. But I then realized that it had only been a dream. Worst of all, I was having romantic fantasies about a relationship that I had constantly been telling myself "didn't count." As much as I hated Manny now, for making me think about being with a girl, and question my already unstable existence, not to mention for leaving me, I still felt a bittersweet elation at the thought of kissing her strawberry flavored lips. I tried to shrug the feeling off, and replace her with Sean or any other guy I knew.

The only other kiss I could remember enjoying even close to as much as Manny's was Marco's. The only two people I could picture myself kissing were the two people I couldn't have.

_I must be really sick if I can still even think about enjoying her kisses_, I thought dully, staring blankly across my room. It was then that I realized what I needed to do. Hating myself for letting myself sink this low, I picked up the phone and dialed a familiar number.

"Hello."

"Hi, Marco. It's Ellie. I kind of need you to do me a favor."


	14. Help

"You must be the best friend anyone could have if you're honestly willing to do this for me," I said, as I sat down on the couch beside him. "Are you sure Dylan won't mind?"

Marco sighed and shook his head. "He's not really in any position to get angry with me at the moment. I mean, I guess you could say we're back together as in we're on _speaking _terms, but it's hardly like before."

"What happened?" I asked, trying to show concern despite the nervous feeling in my stomach.

Marco shook his head. "Don't see this as a huge favor," he said. "I'm actually kind of wondering myself."

Marco leaned in to kiss me, and this time, he wasn't the only one shaking. I felt his lips touch mine, and could tell that every ingredient for a good kiss was present. But every second, my mind screamed, "_Do I like this_?"

What if I ended up being straight, and he didn't? What if he was so disgusted by my kiss that things became too awkward for us to be friends? Immediately, I felt extremely selfish for asking him to do this.

Before we started, we agreed that we would kiss each other the same way we would have kissed Manny or Dylan, assuming both relationships still existed. Closing my eyes, I tried to picture that it were Manny I was kissing, instead of Marco. My mind wrapped itself around this idea so tightly that I was almost disappointed when I opened my eyes to see only my friend staring back. Marco seemed to feel the same way.

"I'm sorry," I said, taking a quick breath. "I shouldn't have asked you to do that. We already know it doesn't work between us."

"It's fine, Ellie," Marco said. "So?"

I blushed lightly, not wanting to admit what I was feeling. The best kiss I had ever shared with a boy meant nothing to me now. All because Manny got drunk at a party and made me experience the other side. "No offense," I said lightly. "But…"

My muscles tensed, and I let out a deep breath. Instinctively, I reached for my rubber band, but noticed that it was gone. Perhaps I had been feeling over-confident lately, or maybe I just forgot it. Either way, the absence of an easy escape forced me into a confession.

"It's okay if you can't say…" Marco began.

I shook my head. "Looks like we're the cutest gay couple at Degrassi," I said lamely. I cupped my head in my hands. "God, what am I going to _do_? I'm still completely crazy about Manny, and _she's _crazy about _everyone_. I hate the fact that she can hit on anyone she wants, and no one will care, because how could a _cheerleader _be gay? Me, on the other hand, if I were to act half as bad as she did, I'd get shit from _everybody_."

Marco nodded tensely. "You're in love with Manny, and I'm in love with Dylan. Guess we're both screwed."

I rolled my eyes. "At least Dylan still _likes _you."

Marco shook his head. "Why do you think I encouraged us to leave so soon after you talked to Manny?"  
"Are you ever going to tell me what happened?" I asked him.

"He's decided to see other guys, but _stay with me_ at the same time. Guess we're both screwed," he repeated.

"Oh, Marco. I'm so sorry," I said. "I guess you're right."

"Guess we'll both be shopping for new dates pretty soon," he figured. "You know, it's kind of cool that we're best friends and I like boys and you like girls."

"How is that _cool_? It means we'll _both _be alone on Saturday nights," I said dryly.

Marco shrugged. "At least then we'll have someone to call."

I nodded. "I guess so. Have you tried talking to Dylan?"

"It went about as well as you talking to Manny," he told me. "He went on and on about how his freedom's important to him, and he can't be _tied down _right now. So, basically, I told him that if his freedom is more important to him than our relationship, it wasn't going to work between us."

I nodded slowly, wishing Manny had at least given me the chance to forgive her. "You're really brave, Marco," I told him.

"Me?" he asked. "No. I just do what I have to do. _You _were the one who told me to come out with it."

"And I never would have, if I had known what it's like," I said apologetically. "I never thought you'd get attacked."

As selfish as it made me feel, I started to wonder. _Would that happen to me?_

…………………………………………………………………………………………….

For a while, I sort of backed off from the entire situation. Perhaps my friends weren't perfect, and neither was my life. But, as much as I fantasized about Manny, I had to realize that was all it would ever be. A fantasy, I was fortunate enough to act out, for the short period of time it had lasted. As for the bi/straight/gay issue, I neither knew, nor had any interest in further experimentation. I knew exactly why Marco had wanted to be nothing. It was so much easier than being who I was.

But as I walked into school one morning, I gained a new attachment with the situation I had put endless effort into forgetting.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, and turned around to find Darcy, not quite looking like herself. Her usually soft, brown hair was clumped and disheveled, and her eyes were red and bloodshot, as if she had been crying.

"What do you want?" I asked slowly, trying not to vary my expression much.

"Look, I know things are weird between us right now, but can we talk?" she asked me.

I nodded. "We are now talking," I said stiffly.

She sighed, with a quick eye roll. "So…Manny took me to that gay club thing you went to, and I thought we were going to date, at least under the radar. But after that, she just sort of forgot that I existed. Never called me, never even spoke to me when I tried to talk to her. Now, apparently, she's dating Chester. It just seems weird to me that, like, he's the last guy I liked before I dated her, and now _she's _dating _him_. She talks about Paige being a bitch, but she's really no better."

I nodded, wishing I could escape this topic. "What do you want me to do about it?" As redundantly as my relationship with Manny had dragged on, Darcy leaned in and kissed me. Just as quickly, I pushed her away in shock.

"So, what?" I demanded angrily. "She stole your guy, so you're going to hit on her ex-girlfriend? I don't care if you and Manny are the only bisexual girls in school. I'm not putting up with that."

As soon as I opened my mouth, I noticed that a large crowd was gathering around us, lead by Sully and a few other, incredibly hormonal boys. "Wow, do it again!" Sully shouted.

The boys began to shout and whistle at us, and made several comments about what we should do if we ever wanted a man. Tears fought against my eyelids, but I wasn't going to let the rage within me come out in the form of defeat.

"Fuck off!" I shouted. I looked over at Darcy, who seemed to be enjoying every ounce of attention she was getting. It only served to push me further. "I don't fucking care what you say," I announced. "You're all the same. You come to Degrassi and bash gay people, but then you treat your girlfriends like shit. You hate gay guys on the off chance that they'll hit on you. I, personally, think _that's _a bigger insult to guys like Marco than your gay-bashing comments ever could be. I know you're all just going to walk away and call me _bitter_ or some kind of feminazi, but I don't owe you a damn thing, and neither does any other girl out there. You go around calling girls bitches and sluts, when you do exactly what they do, and it makes you _manly _and powerful. Where do you get off harassing us for kissing each other, when _you_ go around threatening anyone who's different than you, and telling girls that they have to dress like sluts to be worth anything? I guess none of that matters, because the _real _problem is that marriage should be between a man and a woman, isn't it?"

The boys stood silent for a moment, before they burst out laughing. Darcy actually looked insulted. "Come on, Ellie," she said, following me down the hall. "You need to lighten up."

What she didn't realize was that, I already had. By the time I reached the bathroom, the tears finally came. I was bawling over my situation, but at the same time, I knew that I was going to survive this, somehow.


End file.
